Run, Lola, Run!!

While listening to my step-daughters podcast this morning with Amy Bernhard, it was like she slapped me upside the head!! Her craft tip to listeners was, "Going to places where she feels a little bit uncomfortable," when looking for ideas. It struck a chord inside my brain where I had to replay it multiple times, first because I didnt know why and then because I did know why!!

Recently my sister Melanie, oldest of four siblings my father had with his first wife, came to spend five days with me.  When I found my biological father six years ago, along with him came four siblings I was not aware of .  I have spent short amounts of time getting to know Melanie but last week was a 24/7 five day visit.  We laughed and cried and talked about our lives, the trials and tribulations we both have survived. The ups and downs and good times and the bad.

Now for ions it seems like it has bothered me that my other siblings from my mother were about the most uncaring, selfish individuals in my eyes, especially when it came to raising their children. Partying, drugs, no work ethic, just flakes. By the same token I found out from my sister that she too lived this lifestyle, to the point of her mother taking her oldest daughter away from her.  Her daughter by the way, could not love her mother more today!! In fact she also has four sons and they love their mother immensely.

All of this crammed into a five day period became like a sandblaster to my soul. What did I do wrong? It has made me go to a very uncomfortable place for days now, all the time me pushing back the demon at every appearance......it began haunting me, I couldn't sleep, I'm hungry all the time, not a good thing for a diabetic for sure. I am feeling more like a failure than I ever have before.  As a mother, a friend, a wife, as a human being mostly.

I uncomfortably look around me at all the parents whose kids love them so much that in all sanity in my mind should have run as far from them as they could and I have to realize that my own children have done just that.....they have run as far from me as they could.  These are choices they made and Im okay with that.......but it forces me to examine my life while they were growing up and how straight I was......no partying, no drugs, giving them everything they wanted.....yes my children rarely had to ask for something twice. Spoiled cannot even begin to describe what they were. I realize now that thier father and I did not do them any favors raising four very priveledged children who did not appreciate anything in their life.  Along with a divorce came the realization that neither of us could keep this lifestyle going seperately......hence, they went as far away from us as they could.  Is it any consolation that they had nothing to do with their father as well? Hardly! I had enough on my plate not to wonder or worry about his.

For years I have said that my sisters smoked weed everyday just like I smoke cigarettes and I never saw them abusive or wild.....they mostly were chill and their children were not little terrors at all. They minded better than mine did, they seemed happy all the time and thanks to welfare they were never hungry! I had a vision as a teenager that my children would all have ONE father......just one!! Well if I look at most of these cases, the children come from several fathers and nobody cares!! What the hell is wrong with me????  My sister Mel's daughter is number nine of  fifteen  for her father and number one for my sister...and the only child she had by him. Her four boys have two more different fathers.....one of my sisters from my mother had two both from different fathers and another sister also had children by different men.

I suppose it can be said that "different strokes........" but it doesn't settle anything inside my brain.  I do feel immensely better since I have put this in print....I may sleep better tonight!! I will go to my grave not knowing how I could have changed my own childrens lives, but I know in my heart I did it the best way I knew how and had only the best, loving mentors along the way.  So maybe I can finally put this all to rest......get a great nights sleep and quit letting guilt for all the mysteries in my life eat me alive.  One day my own children may run into this and maybe it wasn't all my fault after all...........we'll see.