Run, Lola, Run!!

Last night while Dan worked on his computer on a project, in my attempt to let him work in peace I decided I would clean out my saved emails.......mostly junk and receipts that needed to put in their own files! I went so far back that I ran into emails that Dan and I exchanged when we first met!! Now, Dan has always told me......"You should write a book by just publishing our emails."  Well, one, someone did that years ago.....I don't know if she made any money at it but its an old idea anyways!!

But it did give me the idea to include some of them in my blog!! Now the first emails I don't have because we emailed through the dating site that we were using.......but I do have them after a couple of months of emailing and talkin on the phone.......let me share some of the older ones I have.........

Hi Lola--yes, totally jam-packed week, starting with going back to work, finishing the Fiji proposal only to find they postponed the due date for two weeks, then getting stomach cramps, probably resulting from the music festival I attended over the weekend. Better now. Did I tell you I camped with some beautiful and talented musicians, an all-woman band called the Whoreshoes? My daughter is married to the banjo player. Here is a shot of one of their practice sessions, with me being the guy in the last frames, jamming with them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkFLqNzzOLc&eurl=http://www.yarnagogo.com/

It was fun, if exhausting.

Would love to see you if you come down to Morro Bay, and we can talk any time by phone. Well, maybe not anytime, I think and hope I left my cell phone at work, otherwise I've lost it. Something will work out, I'm sure, because we enjoy talking to one another.

Later,

Dan Herron

Hi there Dan, How have you been?  Busy Im sure, me too!! Im off today so Im taking some time to do a few emails.  I know my cousins in Hawaii must have been wondering if I forgot about them!   Anyways, I wanted to thank you for calling me last Monday. Chatting with you was very pleasant and a little scary huh? I always think its strange when I meet someone who has as much in common with me as you do!!  Not scary, just a little erie you know?  You have to keep me up on the Fiji thing that is incredible!! I smile about it every time I think about it.  I love adventurous people, maybe because Im not as adventurous as I would like to be huh?  Anyways, thank you so much .....it was very nice to laugh that much and interact in conversation with someone as interesting as you are!!Take care and maybe in a couple of weeks I might drive over to Morro Bay for the day.  I'll let you know ok?.......Lola

Hey Dan, guess what?  I guess I am coming over to Morro Bay for a couple of days.  Im going to be there the 18th, 19th and check out the 20th.   It was kind of quiet at work tonight so I got online to look at motels and I would have never thought I could afford anything on the hill in Morro Bay but I called this one place and talked to the lady, and OMG she was so nice!!! She even gave me a deal.....so it being affordable along with a fridge and microwave in the room and internet service too.......and I can look at the bay from up there.........its on Harbor St the one with the big hill going down to the water and the motel sits right at the top of the hill.........I am so very excited!! I have never been out of town totally on my own and I am so looking forward to it.  I will have quiet time to sit on the beach and contemplate life and all that it has to question........haha and I will have time to answer some long unanswered emails I have been lagging on and I will have a very nice patio overlooking the bay to do that.........a..n..d......I will be able to meet my new friend and have a wonderful visit with YOU!! It makes me smile because I finally am able to afford a short mini vacation and really enjoy myself and hopefully you will enjoy it too!!.....anyways, I better get my butt back to work, I just couldnt wait to tell you!!  Talk to you soon Dan!.........Lola

Hi Lola--great that you are coming! I wasn't scared, just haven't checked e mail for a few days...look forward to spending some time with you.

It is morning here, and I should be driving to work, but needed to reply...I thought you hadn't responded to my e mail, but I got 2 from you. Will write more later...hi ho, hi ho, off to work....

Dan

I personally thought he did get scared!! You know that thing most folks call "gut instinct"??? lol I figured what the hell ......either he would show up or he wouldn't, either way I was getting a mini vacation out of it and not depending on anyone to support it or even give a damn!! lol I just wanted a few laughs and frankly just to see if I still had it in me to even want to converse with a MAN!! Its one thing to send emails back and forth but to actually hold a conversation face to face....hmmm, I don't know bout all that!!

Hi Lola, I am delighted that I will get to meet you and dine you and spend Morro Bay time with you...We connect so well already it should be like old friends meeting. I promise not to be stuffy and formal, and not even nervous unless you get nervous. In fact, prepare to get hugged. That's more me than a "Good Evening, Ms. Romero, allow me to introduce myself." and a handshake. Hmmm...I don't want to scare YOU, so a handshake and then I will ask you with my eyes if you want to hug me.

There are plenty of good places to eat in Morro Bay, we can decide that when we meet. I work till 5:15 in SLO, about 20 minutes away, Sounds like you know Morro Bay and you know there are places to walk and talk, great sunsets and probably some kind of nightlife.

So you like "engulfing the ocean"? I think you should stand on the waters edge and get re-edge-ucated. Hey, when you write your first book, I want the first autographed copy. I'm serious now.

Give me a call tomorrow between cooking chores. And make a copy of this e mail so you have all my contact information in one place.

Dan Herron

OMG Dan....my daughter would tell you that her mom has never met a stranger!!  I hug everyone....hehe  And I doubt you even know how to be stuffy or nervous.....nervous is not a word that is usually in my vocabulary unless Im in a Dr.s office!  I am usually very comfortable talking to anyone....you'll see, it'll be like old home week!!  And doesn't dinner and a walk sound wonderful???  I love to walk especially at the coast!  Seems like the ocean just takes years off of anyone healthwise, someday I know I will end up somewhere along the coast because thats when Im the happiest and always in a good mood! Im so excited and can hardly wait till Thursday morning to leave! I havent been to Morro Bay for about four or five years now but how much can that little spot change??? Right?  I dont know what we will have for dinner but it has to be spicy ok??? Do you know what capsaecin is? Well its the chemical that makes chiles hot and when we eat it it releases the chemical serotonin from our brain stems into our brains and serotonin is known as the "happy" chemical and OMG Dan, if we cant be happy between the chemicals being released from dinner, the ocean smell and sounds and sand between our toes...then something is terribly wrong with us!!!  Too funny huh??   Ok, Im at work so I better get back to it.  Im on swing shift tonight, 230 till 1100 tonight and I may have to do a day shift tomorrow because I am also a medical transcriptionist for the radiology dept so when the transcriptionist get bogged under with reports then I get called in for overtime, but I wont know till in the morning, it depends on how the night girls do tonight. But it was very pleasant opening up my home email and finding you there!!!  Such a smile on my face !!!  And dont worry I am looking forward to talking to you tomorrow but I dont want to wake you so I'll wait till later in the day to call unless I hear different from you ok?.........and, I hope you have the sweetest dreams ever tonight!!!  And just in case you put my stuff in a safe place too.......Me!! 

Good morning Dan!  I slept so good last night and guess what? hehe its one less day to wait now!!!  WHat a kid huh???  I know, I guess I will never grow up when it comes to some things.  I get truly excited about some things in my life and I do believe that keeps me young at heart.....I have never felt my age and I hope I loose my mind completely before I do !!  I told my daughter, when Mom looses her mind, please dont feel any guilt at all......its a fact of life baby, just put me in a home where they will feed me and give me drugs and I'll be kewl !!  haha She gets so upset with me.......she needs to just get over it!!  I told her when it gets there.......I wont know, its ok......sometimes I think she would like to hit me in the head wiith something and hurry the process along........hehe   Dan I laid here for a long time last night.......in an effort to not sound like a babling idiot when we meet, I was trying to sort things out in my mind......what will I talk about first, second?......will I talk at all?  No, I better not talk about that, I'll sound stupid!  What a mess I am.......you would think I have a problem meeting people and I dont......but youre a guy and I dont want to appear stupid or show off my lack of education or the fact that I can just carry on a conversation about world affairs when I cannot......you know?? And why am I doing this? Im such the social butterfly!!!  hehe  I guess I just want to get rid of all the nerves before I get over there.....its not like I do this all the time you know and Im not 30 anymore either.......hell I had to even get up out of the bed and look in the mirror.....OMG, I guess I really dont look 59 but then the insecurities set in and I started trying on clothes!!!  At freakin midnight!!!! I made myself laugh hysterically at how I was acting.......not ashamed, just silly!!  Hell I cant apologize for me......I am just me! Hopefully I wont come off as the babbling fool........hehe  Then I sat on the edge of my bed and just fell back laughing at the thought of you manuevering around your yard with the cell phone to your ear!!  I could not quit laughing Dan.......... This morning I was making me a cup of tea and thinking about everything I want to know about you........omg, Im so stupid sometimes huh? But I thought for a second, should I make a list?..........nah, that wouldnt be kewl......will I remember the things I want to know when I get there?.........probably not so quit worrying about it!!  Do I talk to myself often??......everyday!! haha I think I will get a little more nervous every day that goes by, and by Thursday I should be tired of that feeling and move on to excited!!!  I know, I think my daughter thinks I have AADD!!  OMG dont get me started on that subject, I could just kick those scientists in the butt for not discovering that when my oldest son was 5 !!!  I truly think it would have altered his life and mine!!  I used to think his sole purpose in life was to see me locked up in an insane assylum!  And I truly believe he had ADD and poor baby, his mom didnt know!! Do you ever wish you could turn the hands of time back for a minute??? hmmm....I do. Just the curious bug inside of me to see if things would have been different you know? I know, youre saying to yourself........"what the hell am I thinking?? I want to have dinner with her?"..........hahaha too late dear........and now I truly am laughing out loud!!  I want to hear your voice so bad and its way too early in the morning to call you.........soooooooo, I better get finished with my cooking and get ready to go to the party!!!  You enjoy your day off and try to take some of it OFF okay??...........Lola

Hi Lola, hope the party went well for you and you can relax now. My friend Jon spent most of the day with me, and we had a good time, working on a friend's boat (maybe we can go fishing), barbequeing, and just talking. But it feels good to be alone again, cats fed, nobody leaning on me to get anything done. Pleasant...

I'm glad you're crazy with anticipation for the Morro Bay time, it will be fun being part of that craziness. We already know the realiy important things about one another, and like what we know. That doesn't happen every day, Lola. Let me tell you a little of my background, which we don't get around to talking about, to see if that helps with some of the questions. Born in mid Arizona, first of my family (four kids) to complete college, got a degree in Psychology from UofA in Tucson. Went into the Peace Corps, built toilets in Western Samoa. Married a New Zealander I met there, back home to Arizona, then California, having 3 daughters, working mostly as a program administrator and grantwriter for non-profit organizations. Went to Saipan for 2 1/2 years, administering the grants from the Trust Territory of the Pacific Islands, traveling from Palou to the Marshall Islands. Great time and warm water....ahh. Came back, settled in Arroyo Grande 21 years ago, switched careers to transportation planning. Kids flew, wife got cancer and beat it, six years later it came back and we couldn't beat it. My kids are great, always getting together with one another in the Bay Area, and calling/visiting their dad regularly. I hate war, love my kids, appreciate glasses that are 3/4 full, and like variety. What's there not to like? My stomach, which is a beer belly, otherwise I carry 265 lb. on a 5' 10" frame OK. I like beer too much, savor food and rarely eat small quantities.

That's me in a nutshell. So now when we meet we get to talk about you....

See you soon.

Dan

I had to laugh out loud when I got this one!! Boy did he put it all in a nutshell or what?? He's not a man of few words but you will notice that my emails are somewhat short stories and his are "notes"........lol

OMG Dan, youre a nut!!  I love it !!  How you gonna put your whole life in a paragraph??? I am smiling from ear to ear because I have read it three times and cannot believe you did that!!! It would take me two novels if I leave out the really gruesome crap! hahaha And dont you dare think youre getting out of talking just because you sent me that paragraph!! NOT......! I bet I can make you talk more than you think ever possible.......hehe It sounds like you had a wonderful day also.......Im so glad!  How fun for you guys!!Speaking of barbequeing.....I had planned on taking some things to bbq at the beach on Friday.....if you dont have plans would you like to join me after work?  There used to be a spot by the curve in the road near the Rock with a little playground and some tables and BBQ's.  Like I said I havent been there in a long time so I dont know if its still there or not but I thought I would go see when I get there on Thursday. And you sound like a cuddly teddy bear......whats with "foolybear"??  You need to change it to cuddly.....hehe Hey, theres one of my questions.......do you like to cuddle? Hmm.....just curious and yes I love to cuddle!!  Ok, you like beer too much......I like wine too much!! hehe I seriously was contemplating tellin you my life in a paragraph but had to reconsider .....I just cant.  So you may have to be bored to death with my story in person..........sorry!  Its not near as interesting as yours trust me!  My goodness Dan, I cant beleive all that you have done and where all you have been.......how facinating!! Youre the one who needs to write a book......and let me have an autographed copy!! Every email we exchange opens our worlds up a little more to each other.  Its very settling somehow and makes meeting such a comfortable thing to do.  I am so curious to put a man to these emails......a real man, not a picture or someone I conjure up in my mind...but a real honest man.......you know?  And I cannot wait to look up into your eyes and see your smile for real.......OMG Dan, Im starting to sound like such the drama queen huh? hahaha.........sorry!  I guess I better just be honest and tell you that I am such the drama queen......hehe  I think it makes life so much more interesting!!  I dont have hard hateful drama in my life, Im too old and mellow for all that but I am probably what some folks call "colorful" hahaha.........you'll have to find out huh?Have a great day tommorrow ok??? ............Lola

Hi Lola--YES to cuddles, hugs, kisses, touches, snuggles....but I admit I might be rusty. Only cure is practice, practice, practice....

And of course yes to barbeque Friday night, I have been assuming we would be together all we could, maybe not assuming but definitely hoping.

But I do need my beauty rest before I zzzzzzzzzzzz

Cuddles,

Dan

Dan, I think you better go buy a 12 pack, get comfortable, put your feet up andprepare to relax........hehe This may even take several 12 packs and a coupleof days to get through!! But hopefully when youre done you will be able to understand the things I say, the reasons for the things I do and my feelings,whether right or wrong, are true, loving and full of hope for the future. Ok, Dan, I decided since Im working at a different hospital today and the pace is much slower that I would email you between patients and try to eliminate all this chatter about such stuff when Im with you....that way if you have questions we can deal with those instead of this long drug out thing........but Dan, if I dont explain this all to you, you will have no clue what makes me tick and OMG,I just realized you have a degree in Psychology.....well crap, ok dont analyze me, promise??? hehehe.......Im just me and too old to change.....the events in my life made me the person I am today.....and not too shabby a human being I might add! Im very loving, quite understanding, humanely tolerant, oh and Im working on my issues with patience.........hahaha I tell folks that God didnt think I would need to win a beauty pageant so he gave me other virtues I wouldbe able to carry a whole lifetime with me, a lot of common sense, the ability to make great judgement calls and the love for my fellow man and the need to always help others. All in all its been a great life, the good times have been wonderful and the bad times have been learning experiences.......I always try to learn from my mistakes and then that makes them not mistakes. I was born in Honolulu Hi on 9/7/49 to a 16 yr old ( I have a real problem calling her a mother and I will explain that to you). So she could finish school, I was given to my maternal grandmother and great grandmother to be cared for til she graduated. But when she graduated (I was 2 then), she married my stepfather who was already in the military and they moved to New York for six years. Being raised by two grammas one of whom was in her 70's, you canonly imagine the precocious brat I had become!! My maternal grandmother was Hawaiian and my great grandmother was her ex mother in law.......and she wasPortuguese........lost you yet??? hahaha  So I grew up with three languages in the first years of my life....and they wonder why I am confused???.......In actuality though I was rather bright, for only children usually are you know?.....and in essence I was an only child for 8 yrs of my life. I had no clue other kids lived any different than I did........I was never around other children. I was raised around a bunch of 70 year olds. And that made me a 4 year old 40 year old! I didnt know how to play because in Catholic school back in the day there was no playing, you learned! So I remember two toys I grew up with as a little girl.....one was a coloring book that was about two inches thick and my crayons, what seemed like a million colors at the time!! And the other was a doll about 10 inches tall and she was made of metal and she had a key in the middle of her back and when you turned it she roller skated. Iplayed with her for hours at a time and was perfectly happy mainly cause I didnt know any better and I didnt have only two toys because my gramma was poor, quite the opposite, she was very wealthy. I guess it had been so long since she raised my grandfather that she didnt know how to raise a little girl....but she taught me other skills.......hahaha  At 4 I could sit atop a stack of phonebooks and play canasta with her and her lady friends.....and we would have great little snacks and she would let me have a little glass of wine with them. hahaha........Hence my love for wine now Im thinkin!!! Only thing is my tastebuds reject the Mogan David I loved back then!! OMG the stuff you remember whenyou start unstuffing huh?? Crap! I guess its such a vivid memory becasue it taught me how to read. The gallon jug of Mogan David wine sat in the middle ofour kitchen table and I remember it looked so big when I was little and I would sit and sound out something till I was blue in the face. My gramma couldnt read or write so she was no help. But on Fridays when my other gramma would come and get me for the weekend, I would tell her the letters (she had taught me my alphabet when I was just two ) so I was a real pest at that age.......hahaha spelling everything I saw and nagging to know what it said!! And then she would tell me the word and thats how I learned to read by the time I was 4 !! Thankyou  Mogan David!!! hahaha at 4 I could read the whole gallon jug!! OMG Im thinking CPS would have real issues with that mess huh???Anyways, I was 8 years old. I was sitting and coloring one day at this huge mahogany dining room table in my grammas formal dining room when in the door walked this woman! She told me, get your things together youre going home! Home? c'mon, I was home!! My gramma and her proceeded to have a giant argument one screaming louder than the other and I was clinging to my gramma like someone had superglued my hands to her old apron! Finally through this nightmare I was thrown into the back seat of a car and driven off and every timeI opened my mouth I got slapped.....I could not imagine what had just happened to my world.......at a stop light I opened the back door of the car to run away and I fell out on the ground.....oh hell, let me back up! I told you I was raised by two grandmothers, I forgot to tell you that they both thought theother was starving me to death!.....so at 8 years of age I probably weighed somewhere in the vicinity best as I can guess from pictures.......about 150 lbs! So when I fell out of the car, I literally fell........and I had a hard time getting up so she was able to climb out and put me back in without much effor tat all.......my hair was down to my waist in those long rag curls, it made it very easy for her yank me by them and lead my little fat butt right back into the car.....I was taken to a house where I found out the meaning of the word "dad" and "brothers and sisters"!! Of which I had four by now and another on the way!.....it ended up I am the oldest of nine.....the youngest being born when I was 13.These kids had so many toys!!! I had never seen anything like it but they wanted to touch my few things I was able to bring with me.......my gramma kept my doll and my coloring book and crayons, or I would have lost those too!! I got a whippin for every thing it seemed. I had a smart mouth, that I wont argue with you.....but if she didnt like me why didnt she just leave me where I was........then in later years I found out it was all because she found out that my gramma had let me go to the zoo several times with my biological father and she was livid! And that was something she just couldnt deal with. One day after school instead of taking the bus home, I took the city bus to my grammas and naturally she had to call my mother.......OMG she beat the hell out of me andtold me I would not see my gramma again till I learned how to mind!  Well my gramma died three months later and I never got to see her again before she died. Still carrying that with me Dr Herron??.....hahaha yes and I will go to my grave with it! On my tenth birthday, I dont even remember what the hell I was doin that got me into trouble but OMG she was beating me unmercifully and for the first time ever I yelled back at her and told her that I was going to find my "realfather".....you know, my stepfather was so good to me and I grew to love him so much. And as a child you dont realize how things you say would ever hurt someone else you know? As an adult I realized that must have been very hurtful to him and he never treated me like he was hurt.....I do know the next week  I was in a lawyers office with him and my mother and he was adopting me. I found out later that was partly so I could travel with them through the military. But him and I remained close till his death in 1981, even though their marriage had ended and after spending five years in Japan, he remarried my stepmother before returning to the states!  From that marriage I have a little sister who is 33, her name is Julie and we are very close.......and in reality not even blood related but who said blood is thicker than water??? they never met me and Julie!!!  hehe She has two children and her and her mother still live in SanDiego where my father died. Its one of my favorite things to do, drive to San Diego and spend the whole day with Julie at my dads grave.....we take a picnic and talk and talk.......she was only 5 when she lost her father and Im her closest thing to him. I love to tell her stories about him. Its great. Anyways Im getting off track.....that day when I yelled at her about my real father........she yanked me by the hair took me to her bedroom and threw me against her bed.......she told me if I wanted to know him so bad she would tell me all about him and his family!!   She said they didnt want her to have me so they gave her medicine to take to get rid of me and she told me, I didnt take it once, I took it twice and see? you couldnt even die right!  Dan, how are you going to tell a 10 yr old something like that?....That one I do carry with me, Im ashamed to admit. Ok Dr. Herron I'll let you analyze that one cause I already know that I need to deal with it but I have real issues with my birthday.......its been a constant reminder throughout my life that I should not have lived and that I did, tells me what a survivor I really am and its given me the strength to endure so many things throughout my life and to trust in God that he will always watch over me. He is the reason I survived that and everything else in my life! I trust him completely to make everything alright. I know He only wants a wonderful life for all of us and if our life isn twonderful its because of choices we have made along the way and when we make the right choice.......voila, its so ok you know??? I have to be thankful to her for one thing......she showed me how not to be a mother and from that day forward thats all I wanted in the worst way was my own family. I would day dream that I would have this wonderful family and I would be the best mom ever and I have always resented the remarks that shrinks make that an abused child most always becomes an abusive parent!! How could anyone live that life and not want to have just the perfect life for their own children you know? Well when I was14 I had had about all I could  take and even though according to most standardsI had led a very sheltered life, I ran away and never looked back. My father was stationed at Ft Ord and I had ran away  twice already and when the MP's brought me home I got into horrible trouble but so did my stepfather.....youknow the military figures if you cant run your family, then how can they let you run their army?? So the last time I ran I knew I had to make it good and not get caught, it was so unfair to him to ruin his career because of things out of his control. I got my first job at 14 in 1964 on Cannery Row........not the Cannery Row you know though!! I could only wish........hahaha It was literally Steinbecks Cannery Row. I worked for Frito Lay in a dingy cannery, packing chip dip mixesin those little foil packages.......with my little fat fingers wrapped in so many bandaids to keep from bleeding on the packages........the foil cut mycuticles because my  fingers were too fat........hahah  OMG see how you remember all the crap in your life when you try??? Damn!  Luckily I never looked my age and no one ever questioned me. I was home free once I saved my checks and could get my own apt. I became a workaholic way back then.....so I missed all the hippie stuff that was going on and only knew it existed because of the newspapers articles.......no drugs, no sex, no problems really as long as I worked and kept busy! I used to think I missed a lot of fun things back then but in retrospect  I didnt.  Im deathly  afraid of drugs so that would not have been an option but if they had a bottle of good wine, hell bad wine, I would have joined in Im sure!!   Im too controlling to ever do drugs, I cant even drink to the point of not being able to control my every action! But I dont try to control others, not that I havent tried, I have. But Im way too passed all of that at this age. I do well to control me!  Three years later I met my kids father.......we knew each other for six daysand then got married because he was leaving for Viet Nam in a couple of months. He was in the Navy and stationed at the Language Institute in Monterey. Peopleask me how I could marry someone after six days and actually it was a no brainer at 17!!  He was raised without a father and with a single mom on welfare and was so bound and determined to be the perfect father and I have to give him that.....he damned near was!!  And with all my issues I just wanted my children to all belong to one father!  Whether I had one or ten.......they would never go through what I had!!  So we managed to make that marriage last 21 years and the kids pretty much grew up in a Leave it to Beaver household and rarely did without anything at all........spoiled?? OMG thats putting it so very mildly!  I think had we had better sense along the way we would have been much betterparents but wanting too much for our kids was something short of child abuse Im thinking.......we did not prepare them for the real world you know? But  then isn't hindsight always 20-20???  Yeah, Im thinking so too!! Well when that marriage ended I learned the true meaning of the word scared! I had not worked in years not at a real job where I had to survive again. But once I got my first job I became just like a drug addict.....chasing every job opening I ran into with a vengence. I was lucky, I was able to lie my way into a job and fortunately thanks to a catholic school education.....(even though just to the 9nth grade) I was able to learn fast enough to keep the job!  I became the queen of part time jobs because I soon found out that they paid better than full time jobs that I would be able to secure you know?  I had no less than four or five at any given time and for the next four years I went right back to my old workaholic ways. I was surprised how fast it all returned!! I stayed so busy that I didnt have time to throw "pityparties" or to be lonely. Then I met Russ.  My second marriage was like amiracle.....I had found out while I was single that most women didnt have the good life I had had in my first marriage and the nightmare stories made me ashamed to tell them mine. It made me sound like such the crybaby you know?? What a whiner I thought! So I started telling them when I was asked that he left me for someone else (which wasnt true but at least I didnt sound like a whiner anymore) and it seemed to appease everyone for the time being. I have to tell you Dan, God has only put wonderful people in my life as an adult and thatshow I know youre such a good person too....He made me strong when I was a child so I could survive anything just in case He was busy at the time and couldntwatch over me constantly.I guess being raised by a devout Catholic grandmother had its payoffs huh? Shetaught me to trust in God always and when I was first taken from her I trulythought God had just forgotten about me. As an adult I can see that he waspreparing me for what was to come in my life becasue He knows all He knew Iwould have to be strong! I have had two mother in laws in my life Dan. Both ofthem angels. The first one taught me everything I know about how to love. Ihad never been around a family that was so loving and so caring of each otherand it was very hard for me to get used to you know? She was so patient withme....she made me the mother I became by her examples and taught me a lot aboutwhat common sense is used for when raising kids. My kids were very blessed tohave had her in their life. Then my second mother in law.......well she taughtme patience with her son. haha He was the most wonderful person to everyone. People I worked with just loved him to death, in fact my first inlaws loved himto death!! Our first Christmas together was my ex inlaws, my kids, my newinlaws and everyone so loved each other!! It was great........but not havingdealt with alcohol in my first marriage made me unprepared for the alcoholproblems in my second marriage. But he did go through rehab and refrained from drinking for twelve years.....During those years he kept me at arms length. I didnt want to make demands on him since I knew how hard it was to go through what he had just been through so I backed off and told him that Iwould do anything I had to to make this easy for him. He had issues with closeness and sharing his thoughts........oh he talked all the time, but not about the things I was interested in!! It eventually ended up with me in the extra bedroom mostly just to save my own sanity or spend the rest of my lfie crying myself to sleep at night thinkin every night tonight he might hold me but that never came. So the last nine years of our marriage I spent alone and eventually I quit crying myself to sleep and I guess like anything you get used to things sooner or later and I did, not realizing that Iwas also falling out of love with him until one day it was all gone........but still I stayed because I felt I owed him that because he was the person he was....kind and big hearted and funny and would have given me the moon had he been able to. He just couldnt give me him but pretty soon it was like living with your brother and it became ok until the day I found out he had started drinking again. And he was never abusive or loud.......but a quiet alcoholic is just as bad in a lot of ways you know? I didnt know that he was in end stage liver disease and in pain but that was no excuse he should have told us something. I just felt betrayed and lost and like I had just spent the last nine years of my life alone for nothing! I was hurt and I was furious! And I filed for divorce the next day.....even though we remained friends till he died lastyear in Dec. he never shared what he was going through with anyone. His sister didnt even know till it was done. And so here I am again.......trying to put "Humpty Dumpty" back together again. I wanted out of that marriage but not to be alone in my life. And now Im scared again and trusting in my good judgement every step of the way trying to make a new life.........I want the closeness that I miss, I want to share my thoughts with someone I know cares about me.....I want to care about someones thoughts and wishes and dreams as well. I want to laugh and cry and smile everyday and feel again. And I dont want to be afraid to do any of these things and I dont want to do them alone. Does that make sense to you Dan? Hmm.......Im thinking by now, I have either scared the hell out of you for sure.....or Dr Herron is dusting off his degree!!! hehe.......anyways, I am so filled with anticipation as to what your thoughts are now..........Lola

Wow, Lola, what a survivor you are! Thank you for telling me all that, I feel you have shared your insides with me, and I just want to hug you to me. But don't look for the Dr. Herron, I never really used my degree. Common sense and a warm heart are most important. I'll tell you more when we see one another, but you should know that the last 14 years of my life have not been filled with the satisfaction of being held and valued, and I am hungry for that, and thirsty to give that to someone else as well. Our time is going to be so short together but lets see if we can fill it to the brim!

Hugs,

Dan

And that my friends, is how it all started!! We'll see how these go over and maybe I'll add a few more later........nowdays, emails are not that big a deal since everyone can text......but being electronically challenged..........seeing ......1 email , was a big deal to me!!! I got mail!!