Run, Lola, Run!!

Well at 38 years of age.......there I sat! One failed marriage behind me, weighing in at about 350 pounds!! A very spoiled teenage daughter (her twin brother moved out with his father) who was just dangling on my last nerve most of the time! No job, I had spent ten years at SunMaid Raisins and then my then husband said he thought I should quit my job and stay at home again. The kids were teenagers and he worked into the night at times and I worked swing shift.......I do have to agree that when kids are babies is when Moms need to work and then be stay at home moms when they are teenagers.  Anyways after a couple month long leaves of absences I did resign my position there and became a stay at home mom.........well we spent that year also dealing with some problems that we could not resolve so after all was said and done.....he moved out and there I sat!!

My nerves were so shot that I ended up losing 160 lbs in 8 weeks......I just couldn't eat a thing! I lived on cigarettes and coffee and actually I felt better than I ever had in my life!! And it felt great to shed all those baby pounds I had collected in 21 years! lol I do believe it was Gods way of helping me get my life together, it was bad enough that I had no education behind me but to be that overweight who would hire me to do anything??  What to do with my life now??? Could I even survive alone? Of course you can, I would tell myself!! I did it once I can do it again! But soon I realized that times had changed and without a high school diploma you could hardly get a job.  But it also occurred to me that even though I just finished the ninth grade........that I was as capable and intelligent as some of the folks that I dealt with on a daily basis at places of business! For instance the bank....the grocery store.......resturants........even the gas station!! Have you ever wondered how some people made it to be the age they are??  And is stupid a gene?? lol 

I spent the most amazing next four years!! I learned so much mainly because I had to lie to get most jobs and learn like hell to keep them.  But after I would learn something I would get bored and want to move on ........so I became the "part-time queen"! That way I could have multiple jobs and actually part time jobs pay more than full time jobs usually.  But once I had several part time jobs under my belt, I started to feel very independent! So if I got bored with a job I would make sure that I had another one to replace it before I would quit.  You know I never could understand why anyone requires a two weeks notice.  If they were going to fire me they sure as hell weren't going to give me a two weeks notice.......right??

I started with Carl's Jr (1 year).....then I got hired at an answering service that used  a state of the art at that time computer system and I had never even seen a computer before then!! (1 year), a second answering service that still used the switchboards!! (1 1/2 yrs).....I worked at a bar as a cocktail waitress then moved up to being a bartender(10 years).....I was a medical courier (1 1/2 yrs)......and a regular courier(1 yr), I was an apartment manager (2 yrs), worked for two auto repair shops (total of 3 yrs), worked at Arby's (1 yr), worked at a trucking company and learned to be a dispatcher (2 yrs), I was a security guard part time for the trucking company's lot where they kept the trucks at night, three nights a week,(2 yrs),  worked at two grocery outlet stores (2 yrs), did the bookkeeping for a bowling alley (5 yrs), drove for the Fresno Auto Auction and then drove cars for some of the dealers after they purchased them at the auction (2 yrs).....Not necessarily in that order but I learned so much, learned it all very quickly and pretty soon I had become pretty arrogant and could hardly stand myself........don't know how my friends put up with me!!

Towards the end of this four year period I met Russ.....my second husband! Did I learn from the first time??? Hell no, within three weeks he was moved in........I swore I would never get involved again........and thats why I almost worked around the clock!! I was a workaholic in her glory! But I fell and actually as much self confidence that I had accquired to this point was amazing but I still had little to no self-esteem! Did you know there's a difference??  I got every job I applied for because of my confidence and I knew I was worth every penny they would offer me but I avoided everything that might lead to a relationship because I lacked the self-esteem to believe that I was good enough for free.........I don't know if that makes any sense or not!

Russ and I lived together for two years before we got married.  He had accepted my "workaholicism" and I told him that if he started nagging me to quit jobs it would be over!! I had depended on one man for 21 yrs and I would never depend on anyone but myself ever again!! So life was pretty good......with two incomes to pay the bills we were cruising along with rarely a snag in the relationship so we got married! Everyone loved Russ!! My ex-inlaws, my new inlaws (lol), my friendsI, even my kids!! Life was pretty good!!

About three years into the marriage, Russ admitted to me that he was an alcoholic! An alcoholic??? What the hell?? I was a bartender!! I had no clue!  He entered rehab because he was about to loose his job and his marriage! But I told him that if he entered a program I would help him through it.  I learned so much about myself, it was amazing!!  I should have had the word "co-dependent" tattooed across my forehead!! I had never heard that word before that.  It was an inpatient program so for the first ten days there was no contact and after that you had to go to a class and watch a film and then you could visit after that.........and I did it all .......I even went on "bloody tuesdays" where everyone sat in a huge circle in this room and your spouses as well as children could come and say what they thought about it all and how they felt! It was an amazing learning experience to see young children tell their parent in the program exactly how it made them feel and these kids did not mince any of their thoughts!! Eventually on a particular Tuesday I even spoke to Russ across the room.....you had to sit across the room from each other not next to.....and I told him, "Russ, this has got to work, not for me but for you!! I cannot afford to do this again.......financially or emotionally!!"  I attended Ala-non meetings, I went to visit him regularly and watched all the films!! And actually he did not drink for the next twelve years!! And then one day as I was looking under the car seat for my sunglasses I found a pint of Vodka!! I was sooooooo infuriated I threw the bottle at the house and it splattered into a thousand pieces!! I filed for a divorce THAT day! I guess I was too strong of a person to live with someone who could not find it in themselves to do what was right and to have worked that hard and to just let go made him look very weak to me.  So that 15 year marriage ended but after all was said and done he and I remained best friends!! Go figure! It was easy though he knew I would not accept the alcohol, so whenever he came to my apartment he knew better than to have been drinking.......he was someone I could call on for help anytime! He moved to Grass Valley to live with his sister and would drive back to Fresno to help me with my fundraising ventures for the hospital whenever I needed him to........About six months later his sister called and told me that he had to be hospitalized and he was in a coma, I had told him several days before that he sounded like he had pneumonia and needed to see a Dr........he assured me it was just allergies.His sister said they addmitted him for the pneumonia but other things were happening his other organs were shutting down........why?

My twin daughter was also in the hospital at the same time having part of her toes removed from her diabetes, I could not leave her!! Russell passed away and his sister sent me a copy of his death certificate and after the autopsy they filled out Reason for Death as "Endstage Liver Disease".........OMG, his sister and I both felt guilty!! Did he start drinking again to kill the pain? Emily had told him the week before that if he came home from work drinking again he would have to move out! But as quickly as we came up with these theories we had to dismiss them........Russ was a grown man.......we had insurance!! He could have went to a Dr or at least told me if he was in pain......Drinking was not an answer nor a cure!!

My life so far has been one hell of a journey!!!! An amazing learning experience!! A collection of memories........some of which a picture could never capture, some that only sit in a pocket in my heart, and some that I am still trying to explain to myself!!