Run, Lola, Run!!

Now its only April and the family reunion on Molokai was scheduled for August!!  Would I be able to contain myself till then? I went to work and everyone I worked with was so happy for me......I had not realized in my fixation to find out about my own father......how many of my peers also did not know their biological fathers also!! I was amazed that some had not ever tried to find them.  Even more amazed cause some of them were not much younger than me. Well I was about the happiest woman on earth at that time!! Had already made plans to go to the reunion in Hawaii, had the man of my dreams wrapping his arms around me everyday and telling me how much he loved me and had a wonderful job that I had made some lifelong friends at and my world was pretty perfect.........

My next little adventure involved the Village jewelry store.........a REAL jeweler! Dan told me c'mon lets go pick out your ring! Well he told me that he had picked one out but he wanted me to pick one.  Outside the door of the jewelers I got very nervous, almost sick to my stomach!! I told him "I don't want to go in there"......he laughed and asked me why not.......I said to him, "Dan they have really nice rings at Walmart!" And I thought he was going to pass out!! lmao  He said, "Lola we are not going to Walmart so get inside the store" as he held the door open I could feel my knees were like jelly.  I wanted to cry but by then the lady saw me and was coming towards us.  I have never been big on jewelry  but have always thought that pearls were beautiful....since I have known Dan he has bought me pearls for every occasion and I have so many pearl necklace and earrings thats its to the point of being shameful !! But he told the lady that we were looking for an engagement ring with a pearl and she brought us a tray to look at and I know I was sitting there with my mouth dropped open and probably looked like I had NO Neck!! He asked me if I liked any of them and I pointed to one and he told me that was the same one he had selected when he was in there earlier.  As the lady was taking numbers off of it I picked up another from the tray and was looking for a price and found on the inside of the band written on the tiniest of pieces of paper and had to read and REread it several times and told Dan.........."NO wait!! I don't want that one"......."Why?" he asked.......and I whispered to him, "Do you know how much these things cost??" He just smiled and told the lady he wanted that one and we need it sized!

Two days later I came home from work and there it was in its beautiful box on the dining room table!  I remember my hand trembling as he put it on and it was THE MOST beautiful pearl I had ever seen!! I could not wait to go to work the next morning with it on my finger!!

Meanwhile I had many calls from my father!! We talked about when I was little and he would come to my town grammas house to see me.  He told me about him telling my gramma that he was going into the service and when he came home this would be the first place he comes to! He said that when he got home my grammas house was empty and we were both gone.......I cried he sounded so sad!! I told him the awful things my mother had told me growing up about him and his family and he said to me........"Lola, think about this a minute.  You were your grammas WHOLE world.......and if any of these things were true.......do you think she would have let me anywheres near you?"  I had to realize now at age 61 that all of my life I just took her word to be the truth! I think as a child you choose to believe what you hear because you are a child!  His thinking sounded so logical, why had I never thought of that?? Made me feel so dumb for a minute!!

Before you know it, it was August and I was packing to meet my father for the first time!! I remember thinking how grateful I was that he was still alive and how many years would I have with him before I would loose him again........and how I wanted to embed every minute I have with him deep inside my brain so I would never forget them even if Alzheimers sets in........lol

The drive to San Francisco was a long one.......I was like a child about to get a treat and I couldn't be still!!  Dan would ask, "do you need to stop for the bathroom"........."Nope, I'm fine" I just wanted him to drive faster!!  Our flight was right on time and the plan was to land in Honolulu meet my father and his wife Nan and then the four of us would immediately climb onto another plane and head for the reunion which would start the next day on Molokai!!  One day I will figure out how to add pictures to this blog......I spotted him from across the huge airport lobby from the pictures he had sent me and he spotted me too!!! We went into each others arms so tightly that we could not possibly be breathing!! We cried, laughed, and completely forgot that the whole world existed around us!! He and his wife Nan had brought snacks all my favorites and I was suddenly sooooo hungry!! We spent the next three days on Molokai meeting so many family members......I suddenly felt so much a part of a world I had only dreamed about for most of my life!! The people were wonderful, the food amazing, but as I looked around each day at the huge property the reunion was held on, I realized things like, my father grew up right here on this very spot!! There was a huge mango tree on the property that my father had planted when he was seven years old......we walked across the street to the ocean where Dad explained to us that as kids they made these holding ponds along the shore by diving and placing rocks to form walls that the fish would float into and then be captive for the family food supply.......so much to take into three days but I kinda floated through them on a cloud half afraid that someone would wake me up and it would have all been a dream! Molokai is a beautiful island not yet spoiled by hotels and fast food chains or huge supermarkets and shopping centers.......there is just one town, one hotel, local grocery stores, bakery, schools and just tons of folks that looked like me!!! hahaha

Sadly the reunion came to an end and we headed back to Honolulu for another week.  The first night back we were on Waikiki Beach for dinner and expected to meet one of my sisters.  My dads second  of four daughters was to join us for dinner and when she arrived she had picked up her sister who had had a drug problem for years and my father had not seen her in fourteen years!! The oldest Melanie and I bonded outside the resturant over a cigarette.......don't you know the two problem children would bond??? lol  But Laurie the second daughter also was charming very pretty and quite smart.......an RN who owns her own registry! He had twin daughters, the youngest also, Charlene and Carlene who both lived on the mainland, one in California and the other in Las Vegas.  It was definitely a week I will never forget!!  I took so many pictures that it was like a kid in Disneyland for the first time!!

That night we spent in Waikiki my father has a condo there and the next day we made the trip to the north side of the Island to his beach house.  It was amazing!! Setting right on the oceans edge with the waves splashing the rocks off of the deck.  I spent the rest of the time there on that deck trying to memorize every minute of this trip so far and knowing in my heart that EVERY dream I had in my life had been fullfilled that week! It was not hard to say goodbye at the airport because I knew that as healthy as my father is I would make many trips back home to spend time with him and my world could go on "climbing on that painted pony and let the spinning wheel ride"..........

Easter took on a new meaning for me in 2011!  Two weeks before Easter I received an email from my niece in Hawaii........she sent me a little one inch personals ad she found in her local newspaper.....it said " Dudoit Family Reunion to be held on Molokai".  Johnette told me, "aunty I don't know if the name is spelled correctly but it looked right".  My heart skipped a beat.......would my father be there?? Is he still alive?? At the end of the announcement there was an email address you could use to get more information.

I thought about it excitedly at first as I read it to Dan! Then as the minutes ticked by I thought to myself.....do I really want to do this? How many times can you run into a brick wall Lola before you quit trying?  Dan convinced me to send the email........I explained to this person who I was and the fact that I didn't know if she was related to my father but gave her the information I knew.  The next morning I got an email back asking me to send her my mothers maiden name, the high school she attended and if she had a nickname.  I thought what the hell?? But I sent the email on........and in a couple of hours I received another email wanting my phone number.........long two weeks!!! I waited and waited and nothing!! Checked my email a hundred times a day even from work cause I didn't care if I got fired at that point!!

Finally the day before Easter Sunday and I got a phone call.........the voice said "May I speak to Lola"........I told her this is Lola.........she introduced herself as Joanne Noa, the person I had emailed! I was in shock at first and she began her story to me.......

"When I got your first email" she said......."I called my mother on the Big Island and read it to her."She told me that it was her mothers idea to email me back for the other information on my mother. When she read that email to her mom she said there was an Oh My God on the other end of the phone and slowly she said......"Joanne thats your cousin.......she is my brothers daughter!!!" Joanne told me that she was so excited that my father had looked for me for most of his life.  She then asked for my phone number and excitedly called my Dad and gave it to him. That morning she told me he called me and said "She must not want to talk to me Joanne cause I have been calling and calling and leaving messages and she has not called me back"......she told me that she apologized to him and told him how sorry she was to have involved him in this mess!  And she said they both cried and when she hung up she decided she would email me......as she brought my emails up she noticed my phone number.......I had given her an 805 area code and Hawaii is 808 and she realized that she didn't give him the area code cause she thought I was in Hawaii!!! Joanne called her mom to fill her in on her talk with her uncle and her mother told her to call the number first and make sure........thats how I met Joanne!! We talked and cried for about an hour and she told me let me call your Dad and give him the news and your correct number!!

The next ring of the phone almost caused a stroke.......I knew it would be HIM!!  As I put the phone to my ear I could feel my hands trembling........he said, "Can I speak to Lola?" and I answered........."This is Lola" and we both started to cry and he said to me......"This is Charles Dudoit and I am your father!"........Will I ever forget the sound of those words??? Not as long as I breathe!! We cried together and talked about everything under the sun for the next two hours. When I hung up the phone, I cried off and on the rest of the day!! I had finally found my FATHER!! There are not many words that would describe how I felt or how elated I was........I had to wait till I was 61 years old to find my Dad and he was 81 and we were both still alive and well !!

I thought later that afternoon that Dan was trying to take my mind off of all of this and he told me "we need to go to town to buy our rabbits. Rabbits??? What the hell do you have in that pipe??? He says to me....."Lola its an Easter tradition that we hide chocolate rabbits to hunt on Easter morning!" Whatever.......... ok, I'll pacify him !! We walked into Rite Aide and started looking at the chocolate rabbits.......he immediately found this Reese's peanut butter rabbit that was like 15 inches tall !!! What the hell??........lol  I kept looking and all of a sudden I noticed my VERY favorite candy in the whole wide world!!! PEEPS!!!! As I got closer I realized the color of the box was different.......IT was different........they were SUGAR FREE!!! OMG I grabbed all five boxes!! I told him.....I don't like chocolate I want these! He said ok and we checked out........

Later that night he went to bed and I thought, hmmm......I'm gonna try one of those sugar free peeps.......lol  But I couldn't find them! When I finally went to bed I asked him......"what did you do with my peeps?" He said......"the Easter Bunny hid them already"........he asked me didn't the Easter Bunny hide his?.......NOPE and the Easter Bunny ain't dealin with racoons to hide it tonight!! In the morning I got up real early and he asked me where I was going......."to help that fricken rabbit hide your stuff!!"  Now while I was out here looking for somewhere to hide it I realized I had not come upon my own Peeps.......but I hid it and went on to tell him to get up so we could find our stuff!! I was dyin to try one of them sugar free peeps!!! We came out to the deck and I had my camera in hand........told him you go first! So it took him awhile but he finally found his Reese's rabbit.  Then he said give me the camera and you find yours.........I looked everywhere I had not tried to hide his and could not find anything........I saw an ice chest under the deck but didn't think he would have put it in there surely but I pulled on it and when I opened it there was a little 5 x 7 wooden box inside........I lifted it out and opened it up and there were my Peeps and a ring box and when I turned around he was on his knee asking me to marry him!!!  I cried even harder than I did the day before but I looked at his face and I could not tell him NO.......I said YES! OMG.......the last 24 hours had just overwhelmed me!!  We sat on the edge of the deck and I told him......."its like all my life I have considered myself one of Gods jesters......when he needed a break from war and hunger and strife all over the world he would throw something at me, sit back and say, lets see what Lola can do with this!! And he would take a break from everything else and let me entertain him!!"  Today I feel like God woke up Friday morning and said......"hmmm, I think its Lola's turn......She can have her FATHER, she can have a new HUSBAND and she can have SUGAR FREE PEEPS!!!!"  Could there be a more perfect  morning?? Could there be more of a reason to break out in song?? "Here comes Peter Cottontail......hoppin down the bunny trail..........lol

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but I am the oldest of 10 yep you read that right!! Ten siblings.........theres, Cathy, Woody Jr, Colleen, Robin, Wayde, Wendall, Laurie, Wes and last but not least........theres the baby JULIE! This morning after reading my blog I got a message from my sister Julie.......so everyone please just be patient with me........I need to stop my story long enough to tell Julie how much I love her and how thankful I am that she is part of my world!! And to share some of her story with her.......because Julie you certainly do have a story to tell honey.

Julie is from my stepfathers second marriage.......therefore making her and I sisters out of love not so much blood......lol  But I have loved her since I first met her when she was five years old and we all gathered in San Diego for my step-fathers funeral. Do you remember that Julie?.......OMG I just remembered that she was being such a brat to her mother Maru that it irritated me and Maru was trying to deal with the death of her husband meanwhile she had a 5 year old to contend with and a houseful of mostly strangers!!! There was my husband, me and my Four kids, my sister Cathy and her TWO girls, the baby being only like a month or two old, Robin with her boyfriend and her THREE kids, Colleen with her TWO girls and then my FOUR brothers who on top of everything else told Maru that they wanted to be the paulbearers!! This should have been a full military funeral but she had to pay for most of it because the boys made that request and she would not tell them NO! So to say the least my heart went out to her.  I had talked to her on the phone several times when I called my Dad but I had never met her......and then there were relatives there from Hawaii also........OMG it was like a zoo!!  At one point Maru had Julie go and spend a couple of nights with one of her teachers to lighten the load......and poor Julie just wanted her Daddy!! She could not understand where he was and why he was not there.......and, we were all there for a week!! I remember telling you the morning we left to come home that if you didn't mind your mama and she had to call me I would drive down there and spank you like I did Robbin and Renee.........lol  And the first time she did call me I heard you in the background yelling at her not to call me!!!

My twins were trying their little selves just as bad as Julie was at one point I had to take them to the backyard as Julie looked on and I spanked them both!! I heard Julie telling Maru......Bunny is mean!! (oh yeah another thing I forgot.......when I was born, someone decided to give me a nickname........Bunny!! How you gonna saddle a kid with that name unless you believe they are not going to grow up!!!) To this day, I am still called that.......it makes me understand that my cousin John  hates being called Johnnyboy!!! hahaha

Julie, when I first met your father, I was about 8 years old.  My mother had come to take me from my gramma and claim her right as a MOTHER!!......wutever! Anyways, after battling with me to stay in the car we arrived at your grandparents house where I had four brothers and sisters and Dad waiting to meet me........I will never forget through all my devastation that day how kind his eyes were!! As an adult I can see that he knew I was truly frightened!  My whole life so far had been wrapped up between two grandmothers and this truly scared me to death! 

Let me share a memory with you........when we lived on Ft Ord I guess money was tight although we never did without anything so we couldn't have told.......but Dad had a part time job at the NCO club as a bartender a couple of nights a week and then he had a daily route in Salinas for the San Francisco Chronicle.  Well it was hard for him to do alone so he asked me and Woody if we would go and help him.  OMG I was thrilled, anything to get away from my mother even if it meant getting out of bed at 2AM and going to school tired as hell in the morning!!  Woody and I would take turns sitting in the front and the one in the back folded the papers and stacked them in the middle of the front seat and Dad and whoever was in the front would throw!!  It was very cool, Dad had a great sense of humor that Woody and I learned about on the route cause I think there was rarely anything in our house to laugh at!! And the very last stop we made was to the SnowWhite Donut shop and when we took the stack of papers in the man who was in there making donuts at 4AM would give us a little bag of donut holes!!! Dad would tell us, "get them ate before we get home there ain't enough in that bag for everybody to get one!!".......me and Woody would laugh!!! and I bet to this day we neither one every told the other kids!!! lmao

Your father Julie was a very soft spoken man.  He rarely raised his voice.  And you are smart partly because of him.  When he was stationed in West Point, NY the military academy he was an instructor there.....of what I don't know but what an honor I would think.  You have so much to be proud of being his biological daughter.  Sometimes I wonder if you know any of the history behind him and your mom meeting.  I just hope she has shared that with you.

When Dad divorced my mother after 18 yrs of marriage he was being stationed in Japan.  Five of the kids decided to go with him and he took them to your grammas in Hawaii while he went on to Japan to get quarters and get settled.  While he was gone, Colleen and Wayde decided they wanted to come back to California and be with my mom........what the hell were they thinkin??? lol The other three eventually went on to Japan with your grandmother who was going to take care of them while Dad worked.  Well Wendall was still quite young but Robin and Woody were approaching the teen years rapidly!!  They were driving your gramma crazy!! So Dad by that time had met your Mom who was a barber on the base I'm thinking I never knew Dad to go off base for much.  Dad sent Gramma back to Hawaii and I think at first your mom just cleaned the house and cooked for the kids and one thing led to another.......I think thats why she was so close to Wendall too because she almost raised him.

When Dads tour there was over he married your mom so he could bring her home with him and he was stationed in Ft Leonard Wood, Mo and I don't remember if you were born there or in San Diego but thats all I know bout that........lol  I know when Dad retired to San Diego he opened your Moms shop so you spent a lot of time with him at the golf course growing up. It was very different for you Julie........he was always busy with the Army and his sports with the other kids but when you came along he spent countless hours with you!  He adored you!! Several times when I talked to him on the phone I could tell his face was in a FULL smile when he would tell me about you!! If nothing else Julie, know this.........you brightened everyday of his life that he could wake up and smile at you!! Dad had such a wonderful smile Julie,.......I see it in some of your pictures when you smile!!  My bad I have never told you that before!! After I read your message I went to look at some pictures of you  and it reached out to me......... funny how as you get older you notice things like that! And how some things......you just never forget!! Dad loved his Hawaiian music Julie!! He played the ukelele and now if he was alive today, him and Dan would have so much in common!! Dad must have owned a hundred aloha shirts!! I know cause I ironed them!! lol I used to watch him getting ready to go and play music (he played with a group in Monterey and they would do rich folks parties) I used to think how handsome he was and what the hell did he see in my mother?? I know my thought process was colored by other things.......lol Everytime I am in a drug store and I see a jar of "Three Roses Brilliantine" I think of him......he used it in his hair and he had jet black hair just like you Julie!  I know you miss him Julie........I miss him too!! After my mother stole me away from my gramma he was the first KIND person I found!! The second was your Uncle John and Aunty Dolly!! They would rescue me sometimes for the weekend and I would get to go to their house and thats why I'm so close to their kids!! Their house was a refuge for me when I was growing up!!  When Aunty Dolly was pregnant with Lei she would tell my mother that she needed me to help her and when we would get to their house and I'd ask Aunty what do you need me to do and she would smile at me and tell me........"go play with the kids, get outta here!!"  I miss her so bad when.......

Julie, I had him for a little bit and you had him for a little bit......but I think between our little bits we do have a story to tell.........cause I had him for a stepfather first then I found my biological father CHARLIE........ok, hang on..........you had him for your biological father first then you found your stepfather CHARLIE!! You know Julie some shit just climbs outta the woodwork and scares the hell outta me!! Laugh my sweet sister!!! Some shit is just funny!!  Coincidence??? hmmm.......who knows?? Now you need to make yourself sit down and write your story Julie!!  I know how much you loved Charlie.......and I want to read it!!!  All my love sweetie...........Bunny!

Thanksgiving was wonderful !! Now we are into December and Christmas means the girls come home!!  Here we go again.........DRAMA!!  I spent the month getting ready for Christmas and poor Dan, he tried so hard to make this easy for me........but my apprehension I'm afraid could not be hidden! On top of the girls coming home and seeing me in their mothers home for the first time, I find out that their mothers best friend and her family come for Chritstmas also!! Ok.......I just had to go to bed a couple of times when I got overwhelmed at the thought of Christmas creeping closer and closer!!

My first and foremost thoughts were that I didn't want the girls to resent me......yes it was all about me for once!! I did not want them to see me as an intruder in their mothers home.  I have always tried to keep it much as it was then which wasn't hard to do cause I was too tired when I got home from work to do much........that made me feel like a lazy ole thing but I was doing more physical work than I was used to and age do have a way of catching up with you when you least expect it to!! At that time even though I had moved in I tried to keep my things put away for the most part not have them all over the house!!

Finally the day got here and I spent most of it cooking.......I just wanted everything to be perfect!! We had prime rib and all the trimmings, cheesecake and pies and Gaynelle brought wonderful vegetarian dishes oh and her husband Don and I bonded over the champagne he brought!!!............ the tree was pretty with all the lights and ornaments that I had found in closets, a lot of them the girls made growing up and they had been saved........presents under the tree for everyone!!  The girls arrived.......they were so okay with the painting I did over the wood paneling in the living room and dining room............whew, I was scared for a moment but they really liked it!! I went out front to smoke and up pulled Gaynelle their mothers best friend and her husband and I panicked!! I was kinda stuck now I couldn't run and hide.........and she climbed outta her car and literally ran to me........OMG, she hugged me and told me you must be Lola......and I loved her instantly!!! In this moment I totally understood how she was Jan's best friend!!! Gaynelle has two sons, one is married with two of the most adorable little girls........and soon they arrived and it truly was a Merry Merry Christmas in Arroyo Grande!!!

I look back now and it makes me wonder.......why was I so afraid of every move I made that first year??  Was it my own insecurities that were haunting me?? Did I not believe that Dan's family would not wish for him to be happy for the rest of his life? Did my own reservations that I was not good enough for someone like him blind me? As usual was I trying to sabotage myself?? Did I not think I deserved to be happy for the rest of my life? And sometimes still I think I don't deserve all this!! ............and Dan!! But I try my hardest everyday to show him how much I love him and how happy he makes me!!

And as the night came to an end I think I could hear in the distance.............."Merry Christmas to all and to all a Happy New Year!!!!"  hahaha..........don't y'all believe in Santa????

Well we're back from Hawaii, its late October and I find out that traditionally Thanksgiving is done at one of the girls homes in Oakland..........okie dokie then.........Stress! I have not seen them since I met them in January, have talked on the phone a few times and on the internet........but all of a sudden I am like a duck outta water!!!

Now anyone who knows me, knows I'm not afraid of much........but these three beautiful girls scare the hell outta me!!! I was so outta my comfort zone that I could hardly sleep at night as the time drew closer.  In fact it was Thanksgiving week when I got hired at CHC and that was my saving grace because I was too busy trying to get settled there to know where the week went!!! And all of a sudden it was Wednesday night and we were loading the car to drive north the next morning!

Have you ever gone to bed at night and dreaded something happening the next day so bad that you wish for an earthquake?? Yeah I think that might have worked!! The drive north was hard......not only did we have holiday traffice on 101 all the way, my stomach was cramping from anxiety!!  I just wanted to throw up so bad!! All the while trying hard to smile and laugh with Dan and frankly couldn't even tell you what we talked about for five hours!!!

When we arrived at Beth's the smells were incredible!! Beth and Christy were donned in aprons and busy little beavers in the kitchen. Beths apartment was so quaint in a lovely part of town and I realized that I had never been to Oakland!! Scary stories I remember hearing about Oakland for years seemed hardly possible from what I saw......the neighborhoods are kind of in town......or town was part of the neighborhoods.......I don't know which, but seemed like two or three blocks of houses and then town........then you cross a main street and several more blocks of houses......very nice!

Soon the girls friends started to arrive and snacks were put out and the chatter made this apartment come alive!! The food was delicious and everything from Turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy to vegetarian dishes I had never tasted but loved!! Everyone was so friendly that I felt so stupid for all the anxiousness I had put myself through! The girls were so warm and so friendly and you know how you can tell when someone just does something cause they're supposed to?? It wasn't like that at all !! Everyone was truly themselves I believe!! Rachael is a 911 operator so she didn't arrive till she got off of work later in the day and yes she was as sweet as I remembered!! It was a day to truly be "thankful" for!! I had Dan by my side, his daughters and their friends who so easily befriended me and I was a very happy and thankful person this year!! Truly a Thanksgiving I will not soon forget!!

..........in my beautiful balloon!! " I hummed it everytime I got on a plane and it was taking off! Kinda took my mind off of being afraid of flying......so, we were off to Dan's Peace Corp reunion in Hawaii!!  It was being held on the Island of Molokai.......but I didn't tell Dan till we were up in the air......that my biological father was from this island and I spent most of my life dreaming of someday going there and hopefully finding out where he was from.  The older I got the less likely it seemed I would every get to do this and like God decided all of a sudden to throw me this little "dream party" was amazing!! I think Dan half thought I was exagerating when I told him that my fathers family damn near owned this island.......hell I thought I was too!!!

Landing at the airport on Molokai ..........I looked at every inch of the island as we neared.......wondering where he lived, how he lived and where was he now?? The Island of Molokai is much as I remember the island of Oahu as a child....no freeways, no fast food, no big department stores!! We rented a car for the three days that we would be there and the woman at the rental counter asked me "kamaiani discount?" which means if you have a Hawaii drivers license then you get a discount.  I told her no and she looked at me funny......not funny, haha, but strange funny....like she thought I was lying!!  We went on to check into the ONLY hotel on the island........lol  yeah....one one!! And Dan started finding folks he knew as soon as we got there.  Again as we were checking in the lady behind the desk looked at me very strange......WTH??? I blew it off......

We were meeting everyone for breakfast the next morning so while Dan was taking one of his 20 minute showers.......(for the life of me.......what the hell takes so long to take a shower???) anyways, I decided to go out in front of the hotel to have a smoke.  Well I guess the people who have the car rental office rotate between the airport and the hotel because low and behold the same woman from the car rental place at the airport came out to smoke too and today she's working at the hotel car rental desk!!  At first we didn't speak, just smiled.  Then she asked me where I live and I told her California but explained that I was born and raised on Oahu.  Then it was on.......lol  She told me that I look so familiar........so I asked her if she knew any of the Dudoits on the island and she laughed and said ......."thats who you look like!"........OMG, I could not have been more shocked if someone would have slapped me in the face! After I explained that I had never met my biological father she told me there are a ton of my family members that live on the island.  Later, that day Dan and I went to a little resturant, "Aunty Ruby's" in town for some lunch.......after we were served our plates I noticed that the woman cooking kept staring at me. I told Dan........hell I can't eat!! He asked why I told him that lady is staring at me and about that time out of the kitchen she came heading right to our table!! She excused herself and said she just needed to ask me something......I smiled and said sure! What the hell was I supposed to say.......??? She said to me........"are you related to Beverly?"  Hmmm.....do you mean Beverly Dudoit? Shes laughing and says Yeah!  I explained to her that I probably am but I do not know her......my father was born and raised here but I have never met him either...funny how nobody asked me what his name is!!  She told me there are tons of Dudoits here and you look just like them!

Ok twice in one day........is that weird or what??  The rest of our three days was fun but I spent a lot of time daydreaming, ..... was my father any of these local men that I was seeing at the hotel, or in town at the grocery store or just walking on the street past the hotel......it was the strangest feeling to actually be standing on the spot where he was born and grew up!!

The last night of the reunion we went to a chinese resturant and we sat at a long table on both sides of it. There was a couple across from us, the husband had been in the peace corps with Dan and met his wife in Samoa and now they live in Hawaii, in fact in the next town from where my country gramma lived!! I'm talking to his wife and I hear her husband say "charlie dudoit".....I almost passed out!!  I asked her......did your husband just say Charlie Dudoit? She said yeah thats his best friend on Oahu......ok Lola, keep calm!!  I asked her how old is he? and she told me that he is in his 50's......okay not DAD.......but could he be my brother???  I was so scared all of a sudden that I couldn't even talk! I didn't even know how to ask them any questions!!

On the plane ride home......I was deep in thought.........I told Dan, know what?? I feel like I finally fit somewhere.......all my life I felt like a puzzle piece in the wrong box!! Today I feel like I found the right box finally!!!.........hmmm......feels kinda good!   All the family pictures taken while I was growing up I looked like the neighbors kid snuck in!! I can't describe with real words how it felt to have those women tell me that I looked just like my relatives!  But all the way home I held on to that feeling with everything I had in me........and I held on to it for another eight months...........

From January to December is a looooong time!! It had been a very long time since I have had to make such difficult choices in my daily life.  For years its been a given that I would work a double shift everyday......two overtime shifts on Saturday and usually one on Sunday (so I could do laundry!! lol) and neither I or the staffing office every doubted that I would be available for these! All of a sudden I wanted to spend more time with Dan on the weekends.....so I had to decide do I give up my overtime shifts to go to the coast or do I sacrafice that time with him to make money!! Luckily Dan was very busy too so sometimes I didn't have a choice.......it was JUST work dammit......but other times it was hard. We learned to make the time we had together count. We always managed to make time for the ocean when I was there and we had a ball finding out all the little secrets each had for things they liked to do......like I love to cook and he loved to eat that was a match made in heaven but Dan likes to cook as well and some weekends he would cook and make things that were a little strange to me but still very tasty and we LAUGHED!!  We would make each other laugh so hard.  And as the months went by we became closer and closer.

I guess in about June I had made up my mind that I wanted to move to the coast.  So I began putting in resumes in a few places.  I was so excited about my decision and couldn't wait to save the money up for an apartment and find a new job.  When I told Dan he wasn't very happy.  We started having discussions of me moving in here with him.  That wasn't my dream at the moment.  I wanted my own apartment but I wanted to be closer to him.  I was pretty used to living alone and so was he.  But the "frugal" part of my man was bothered by me paying enormous amounts of money for rent to someone else. At first we batted around the thought of me moving in with him and paying HIM rent.........nah, that wasn't gonna work!! I still had it in my craw that I wanted my own place.  Just a little apartment that  my friends could come and visit even if everyone had to sleep on the floor.  He told me that my friends could come and visit here....hmmmm, I was not too comfortable with that thought. You know we're loud and obnoxious at times.......lol Dan is pretty quiet and very gentle......lol

Well finally we decided after lots of laying in bed at night and tossing this subject back and forth.......that I would move in with him.  But thats all we wanted and Dan said that if in three or four months I didn't like it then I could get an apartment.  The companionship was very comfortable and after two failed marriages I really was not ready to go there again.......but you get lonely and having someone to share the everyday things with is kinda cool.  Anyways, I began my trek to move to Arroyo Grande!!  I start packing things, giving things away and throwing things away. I would put stuff out at the dumpster and by the time I took another load out that first thing would be gone.......so obviously someone needed the things I no longer needed. I walked around the hospital with my resignation letter in my pocket for two weeks before I finally gave it to my manager......it was a very hard decision when it came right down to it!! Could I just walk away from my security blanket that the hospital provided me for the past twelve years??? Could I truly pack up my belongings and move out of the apartment I saved so hard to get on my own?? Could I drive out of town and leave everyone I loved and cherished in my life behind?? I loved Dan with everything inside of me and all of a sudden I was in one hell of a dilema!!

I started bringing loads of stuff over here one carload at a time! One weekend I came over and we had a garage sale with a lot of stuff I had brought that week and some of his stuff as well.......oh, because he assured me that he needed to get rid of things too so I would have plenty of room to store my things!!! HA HA HA!! I have been here three years now and am just finally finding places to put things and Lord knows in these three years I have gotten rid of a lot of his stuff that just simply needed to go!!! And on August 21, 2010 I made the move to the coast!!!  My son-in-law and grandson in tow with a truckload and my car filled so full I could barely fit my fat ass in it!!

I diligently started looking for a job!! I have never in my life not been employed!! It was quite a shock to my system to not get the first job I interviewed for or the second or the third!! Depression was starting to set in and Dan would come home and I'd be frustrated and crying!! I could not get a job as a motel maid because I was over qualified!!! WTH???Exactly how many toilets in your life do you think one needs to clean to be qualified??? I so wanted to ask that!!

Then Dan decided he wanted to go to a Peace Corp 40th reunion that he got invited to and asked me to go with him.........of course I would go to Hawaii.......lol  When Dan joined the Peace Corp he was assigned to the Island of Samoa......so they were sent to the island of Molokai in Hawaii for their training.  So naturally the group wanted to have this reunion where they all met and started off 40 yrs ago.  Well it kinda took my mind off of my "pity party" I was trying to throw!!  Noone was RSVP'n anyways!  But I kept pluggin away at getting my resumes out there! Two months had gone by already and it was time to pack for Hawaii........I was scared because I wasn't getting any interviews lately but I didn't panic yet......I still had money in the bank!!!!

You know, only an idiot would date and fall into a relationship with a man who 1) lost a wife after 39 years of marriage and 2) has three grown daughters who have no clue that you exist!! Oh yeah.......that would be me!!! lol   I continued for over a year to come over to Arroyo Grande for weekends making sure every week that he be positive that his daughters would not be popping in.......that scared me to death !! I did so want to meet them but not here at his house.  It would be hard enough to meet me anywhere but in their mothers home........absolutely NOT!!  I personally needed to meet them on neutral ground where at least I could have the least emotional baggage lurking. 

Well Dan went to Oakland and spent Thanksgiving with his daughters and then came to Fresno to spend the weekend before going home.  When he arrived, and over dinner he proceeded to tell me that he had had breakfast with the three girls that morning before he left and he decided to tell them about me.......two of them had a lot of questions and the third was rather quiet.  He asked her how she felt and she told him....."weird Dad, is it ok for me to feel weird?".......and of course it was!!!

I was besides myself for a minute!!  But he assured me it would all work out........I don't know about that!!!  So we made it through the rest of the holidays.........him spending Christmas at home with his daughters. And in January he decided we needed to meet!! Who made him the boss???? lmao   So he told his daughters to pick a date and make dinner reservations and we would come up.  He traveled from Arroyo Grande to Fresno, spent the night and Saturday morning we started up there.  We took my car so I was driving.........scared but anxious!! Right outside of Los Banos I was going to change lanes and when I glanced over my shoulder to check if it was clear......OMG.............I noticed I could see out the window!! I HAD FORGOT MY HANGING CLOTHES!!!! I screamed and instantly started to cry! Dan said....."whats wrong" and I remember I could hardly tell him between the tears and starting to hyperventilate! And he began to laugh!! Oh hell no you did not just laugh at me in the middle of me being distraught!!

Dan was able to calm me down and told me find a store here in Los Banos and we'll buy you something to wear!  You know I was not used to that kind of logic!!  Had he not been there I would have had little choice but to return to Fresno to get my clothes!!  Living paycheck to paycheck was not just a saying......it was a lifestyle!! But we did stop and I did find something to wear......in fact we both found me things to wear!!! lol He was starting to spoil me now and I didn't quite know how to handle that.  Too damned independent!!

The resturant the girls picked was a floating boat that you had to walk up the ramp to get to and it was quite lovely!! But it was in Alameda which I never knew was an Island?? Did y'all know it was an island?? So after crossing the Bay Bridge and thats a long sucker!!!, we finally found the hotel that Dan had reserved and checked in to get ready for dinner..................and to meet the girls!!!  We got to the resturant first and tried to relax MY nerves by taking some funny pictures and then the girls arrived!! There was Rachael the oldest, stunning, with her wife Lala! Lala.......Lola this is gonna be fun I could tell already!! Then there was Christy, his middle daughter and then Bethany, the baby!! lol Oh My Goodness they were beautiful and so very gracious and they all gave me a big hug.......these young ladies have so much grace and class but full of humor as well.  I was so pleasantly surprised!! And they let me climb into their conversations and within minutes I felt very comfortable. We laughed and had such a great dinner and super conversations!!  When it was over and we parted in the parking lot I felt very good about the meeting. And the girls absoluteley did not appear to have put up with me for the mere fact that they thought their father expected it.

So the next day we drove back to Fresno and Dan had to continue on to Arroyo Grande......it was Sunday!  I hurried and got online to read Rachaels Blog!! Dan told me she had been blogging for years and gave me her website one evening when we were talking on the phone.  I told him maybe I would look at it before I went to bed.  My goodness........I looked up her website......which is Yarnagogo if anyone is interested in knitting or romance novels or just good humor!! And lo and behold she had mentioned us in her blog..............This was in her blog!

""And on a totally different subject:  I have to tell you this.  We girls met my dad's girlfriend this weekend.  Lola.  (Lala and Lola! Ha)  And we were nervous, but we had the Let's Get this Over With mentality and Have a Nice Dinner attitude.  They drove up from down south, and we met them at the restaurant.

She. Was. A. Doll.  I'm so happy for my dad.  She reminded me of me, in the way that I can run at the mouth (in a good way!) when I'm nervouse and say anything that comes to mind, and in that she has a strong loving personality and a huge laugh (we were a boisterous table, so much so that a woman came over and asked my father how he'd been so lucky to end  up with all these women).  They've been together a while now, and already have stories, and I really liked hearing the way they told them together.  Then at the end, Lola said something that absolutely endeared her to me (not that she hadn't already)--she confessed that she'd been so nervous before coming that she'd asked my dad to duct tape her feet so that she wouldn't stick them in her mouth.  For some reason, I'd only thought about us, the kids, being nervous.  It hadn't occurred to me that she, the ostensible adult (hello, I'm 37!) would be nervous, too, and duh!! She was meeting FOUR of us, and we were only meeting one of her! She was so brave!

And she reads my blog, so hi Lola! and hi to your work partners, and I'm so glad I got to meet you.  Keep my dad in line, okay?  Don't let him blow anything up, please.  Thanks""

I was completely besides myself and could not wait for Dan to get home so I could call and tell him......but in the meantime I needed to make the time go by..........hahaha that meant shopping!! I wanted to get the girls a thank you card........to thank them for being so kind to me!! So off I went to pick out cards and hopefully when I got back Dan would be almost home! 

I wanted to say more to them than a card could hold ....so I decided to type them a letter and put one in each of their cards! The following is the letter I sent to them...... 

Dear Rachael, Christy and Beth,

WOW! Meeting you girls is a definite highlight in my life.  Because you are all a part of your father, automatically makes me a fan for sure.  It gave the word "intimidation" a new meaning for me I know.  But I wanted to thank you all not only for being so kind to me but to also let you know that I can relate in a way of how it must have been for the three of you.

I need to tell you a short story to help you to inderstand that I do understand what you are going through, sorta.  Not that I KNOW, because its different losing ones child in comparison to losing ones mother.  Last June I lost my daughter to pancreatic cancer.  She was my whole world.......we were not only mother and daughter, she was my best friend.  She and my wonderful son-in-law were married for 22 years and share a 20 year old son.  I love my son-in-law to pieces and he's only 41 years old.  Right now he thinks he's done, but I know in my heart and hope with all my heart that he is not.  He is such a good person and I know he loved my daughter with his whole heart and it would sadden me if I thought he would spend the rest of his life alone and I have told him this.  He deserves to laugh and find joy in the rest of his life and share it with someone equally wonderful.  All of this aside, I do know that the first time I see him with someone new, it will be like someone is stabbing my heart.

So I not only understand how hard it was for the three of you to welcome me because you love your Dad, I understand how hard it was to see him with someone new in his life.  Its one thing to know that I exist in his world and another to have to come face to face with me.  I wanted to thank you all for making me so comfortable and for making your father so happy.  I glanced at him several times that night and the look of pride for his daughters was so evident in the way his face was lit up.  I want to assure each of you that I will never do anything to take advantage of your Dad or to hurt him.  I hope that we can become friends.  You all will not replace my daughter and I know I cannot replace your mother, but I do hope because of another love we all have in common we can eventually create a bond and a comfortable friendship.  Life is too short to wonder about anything so if you have questions just ask, my life is an open book and I don't mind sharing.

Again, I thank each of you for Saturday night!!

Then I added this next part to Rachaels letter:

Lala, this is just for you!!  I know how rough it must have been for you to support Rachael through this and I thank you for being  there for her.  What a wonderful couple you make!!  How refreshing it was to spend an evening of laughter and great food with the four of you!!  I truly believe that you being there put me more at ease.  Not that you're an outsider by any stretch but it made me feel not so outnumbered.  So thank you for coming with the girls because it made Dan very happy that you came also!!

Always,

Lola

Well I came home from work one day to this email...........

""Oh, Lola,

That just made me cry.  Thank you sooooo much for it.  What a gorgeous, lovely letter, and I can't tell you how much it means.  (To Lala too.)

I'll pass it along to the girls as soon as I see them, and I know it will mean a lot to them , as well.

(But I get to keep it. Because I'm like that.)

I'm so glad you're in Dad'[s life, and I'm so glad now you're in ours.  Never to replace, like you said, but there's always room for more happiness, I think you and I both believe that.

xoxox

Rachael""

And that was the beginning of the friendship I now have with Dan's three daughters. But this was only January.........lmao

Once again I sit alone!!  It was my choice......but I'm here to tell you that divorce, regardless of whose idea it is.......sucks!! The pain is just as real on both ends.  This time I meant it.......I refuse to get involved EVER again!!

So double shifts took over my life.  I loved the people I worked with at the hospital......I also loved that besides my regular position in Radiology, my second shift could be anywhere!! ER, Med Surg floor, ICU, or the Burn Center.  I worked from one end to the other of the hospital and on every floor just about!! It was an amazing 12 years I spent there.  Every once in a while though I would have to take a Sunday and just SLEEP!! .......but then I'd be good for another month.......lol  

Along the way, I lost my two best friends.  Kay died from complications with her gastric bypass surgery and Stella died from lung cancer.  For a little bit I didn't want friends!! I had been friends with them for 30 years........thats a very long time and there was very little if anything that we didn't know about each other.  Kay was responsible for me making the shift to a full time job at the hospital instead of wearing my crown as the "part time queen"....that bothered her terribly bad.  On my 48th birthday it kind of occurred to me that ...."wow, I'm getting old!!".....Kay had been nagging me for years to apply but I kept blowing it off.......finally I did.

The three of us worked for years at Sun Maid together.  Then Kay went to work for the county at the hospital in medical billing.   Kay was a single mom raising two daughters and Stella, a single mom raising two sons.  They helped me survive my first divorce and Stella was still here to help me with the second divorce.

While at the hospital I made such good friends!! Whole families enveloped me with there love and kindness......my friend Hillarys family, I became so close to that they seem more like blood than my own blood family!!  Gloria Davis, has been there for me through so much as well.......don't know what I would do without her in my world.......and so many of the girls at the hospital that I still keep in touch with from a distance now.

One Sunday afternoon when I woke up from a very long sleep........I decided to get online while I watched TV.  I had months before joined an online dating site but not to meet someone, more to entertain myself!!  I loved reading profiles and picking out the liars.......some people don't realize that when they lie they might as well have a bright light in the middle of their foreheads!!.........this afternoon I must have read about 65 profiles and in the middle of reading one I get a message at the bottom of my screen that is from this site.  The site sends an email to each person that you read a profile on letting them know that you showed an interest!! Interest hell........just NOSEY!! lol So I quickly opened up this guys profile cause God knows I read too many to keep track of them!! Hmmm.......it says he works in Transportation and he lives in Arroyo Grande, Ca........well for a change I was about to meet someone in the same TIME ZONE !!  But I had no clue where Arroyo Grande was so I clicked on Mapquest to find out and I saw the Pacific Ocean!!!! ........oh hell ........ok, I'm gonna read the email and might even email him back!!! hahaha..........( I have always had a thing for the ocean!! After all I think its in my core being from Hawaii!!)

Well anyone who has met Dan Herron............need I say more??? It was like God tied him in a big red ribbon said "here Lola.......take care of him"..........I DO NOT WANT TO GET INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP !!! Can anyone hear me???? I was soooooooooo done!! But what could it hurt to have an email buddy?? He's quite intelligent and you don't meet too many of them online.....he's very interesting and you sure as hell don't meet too many of them online........and he made me feel like he thought I had a brain also!! That I think was the most attractive point in this mess........I call it a mess because I was struggling inside of myself over this........I could blow off some trucker from the midwest who just wanted to throw bullshit at me.......lol  But Dan was different!!  He's not a bullshitter and he's very comfortable...........I knew he would never ask the dreaded "chatroom question".........."what you wearin baby???"  OMG......back in the chat days, that was so creepy.......still gives me goosebumps to see it in type!!! lol  I guess men don't realize that is not the turn on they think it is........dunno!!

So for several months we emailed back and forth and made phone calls.  We became great friends and learned so much about each other!  He had a VERY full life, his work at CalTrans, three grown daughters in Oakland, he had recently lost his wife of 39 years to Cancer and he had his music!!  He is quite the musician and loves his Ole Time music!!  One night at work, I got online and looked for an affordable motel in Morro Bay.  I had not been to Morro Bay in about five years and it was time.  I knew there would be lots of memories there of my kids growing up but sooner or later I would have to face those.  I told Dan in an email that I was going to go to Morro Bay for three days in about a month and he was delighted!  He asked to take me to dinner.........

That day as I drove to Morro Bay, I wondered what the hell was I doing?? But I did want to meet him! And I wanted to get a couple of days at the coast as well......when I got there, I checked into my room and then wandered down to the Rock........went through a few shops and back to the room to get ready for dinner!!  After work Dan showed up and it was so..........comfortable, is the best way to describe it!! We hugged each other and OMG......I fit in his arms and it made us laugh so hard!!  We had dinner at Dorn's,......geesh I hate resturants with white linen tablecloths!!! lol But the food was great and the view of the ocean and the sunset was amazing!!  The next day he came after work and we BBQ'd at the marina and talked for hours!! Saturday morning he took me to breakfast and then I had to head home for a friends wedding.

We both enjoyed our time together and it took our emails and conversations to a different level.  Then Dan drove over to Fresno for a weekend and found out all about Tully Fog!! ........so we had to make sure after that that the weather was cooperating before he came over! Everything was going so well and then it was my turn to drive to Arroyo Grande...........scary!!  But I did it and spent the weekend at his house! I fell instantly in love with his backyard...........its a mini forest with tons of trees, all different!!  I felt very strange staying in his house....what would his daughters think? what the hell are the neighbors thinking?? It was a little uncomfortable.  All the time he wanted to tell his daughters but I wouldn't let him.........it was just too soon after they lost their mother........I couldn't let him do that.........I think guys don't think about stuff like that!!  My own daughter knew about Dan but I had not let her meet him yet either because I didn't want her in the middle of my emotional well being........lol  I regret that decision today! The weekend that Dan was coming over and going to get to meet her.........she slipped into a coma.........although I know she sees him now daily, I regret that he never got to know what an angel she really was and how she made me complete as a person and how much she taught me about life and how not to waste it. Exactly a year after Dan lost his wife, I lost my youngest daughter to pancreatic cancer.

By now we had known each other long enough that we were quite comfortable with each other.......but a long distance relationship takes its toll sooner or later.  Then Dan introduced me to Amtrak and OMG it was such a lifesaver!!  I got here at the same time I would have arrived if I had driven and I was totally rested from the ride and not cranky...........just hungry!! lol  So I began coming over quite often and sadly returning every Sunday back to Fresno.  I say sadly cause I hated leaving him at the train station but I loved my life in Fresno also.........my friends, my security blanket at the hospital, my little apartment that I could easily afford by myself.......I was okay. But after awhile all that traveling gets old and begins to wear on you........so then we made the decision that I would move over here........OMG , that was so hard to do.........by then I knew I loved Dan and I knew he loved me but we both agreed we didn't want more than that........in fact originally I wanted to move here but into an apartment......I didn't know if I could live with anyone again and I knew I would be comfortable on my own.  It took me two weeks to work up the nerve to give my notice at work and my apartment and then moved over here and it took me three months to find a job!!! OMG I thought I was going to loose my mind! I had never been without a job ever in my life!!  Dan kept reassuring me it was ok and it would happen.......but I was beginning to have second thoughts about the decisions I had made.  Too late now.......but still hindsight is always 20/20 right??

Well at 38 years of age.......there I sat! One failed marriage behind me, weighing in at about 350 pounds!! A very spoiled teenage daughter (her twin brother moved out with his father) who was just dangling on my last nerve most of the time! No job, I had spent ten years at SunMaid Raisins and then my then husband said he thought I should quit my job and stay at home again. The kids were teenagers and he worked into the night at times and I worked swing shift.......I do have to agree that when kids are babies is when Moms need to work and then be stay at home moms when they are teenagers.  Anyways after a couple month long leaves of absences I did resign my position there and became a stay at home mom.........well we spent that year also dealing with some problems that we could not resolve so after all was said and done.....he moved out and there I sat!!

My nerves were so shot that I ended up losing 160 lbs in 8 weeks......I just couldn't eat a thing! I lived on cigarettes and coffee and actually I felt better than I ever had in my life!! And it felt great to shed all those baby pounds I had collected in 21 years! lol I do believe it was Gods way of helping me get my life together, it was bad enough that I had no education behind me but to be that overweight who would hire me to do anything??  What to do with my life now??? Could I even survive alone? Of course you can, I would tell myself!! I did it once I can do it again! But soon I realized that times had changed and without a high school diploma you could hardly get a job.  But it also occurred to me that even though I just finished the ninth grade........that I was as capable and intelligent as some of the folks that I dealt with on a daily basis at places of business! For instance the bank....the grocery store.......resturants........even the gas station!! Have you ever wondered how some people made it to be the age they are??  And is stupid a gene?? lol 

I spent the most amazing next four years!! I learned so much mainly because I had to lie to get most jobs and learn like hell to keep them.  But after I would learn something I would get bored and want to move on ........so I became the "part-time queen"! That way I could have multiple jobs and actually part time jobs pay more than full time jobs usually.  But once I had several part time jobs under my belt, I started to feel very independent! So if I got bored with a job I would make sure that I had another one to replace it before I would quit.  You know I never could understand why anyone requires a two weeks notice.  If they were going to fire me they sure as hell weren't going to give me a two weeks notice.......right??

I started with Carl's Jr (1 year).....then I got hired at an answering service that used  a state of the art at that time computer system and I had never even seen a computer before then!! (1 year), a second answering service that still used the switchboards!! (1 1/2 yrs).....I worked at a bar as a cocktail waitress then moved up to being a bartender(10 years).....I was a medical courier (1 1/2 yrs)......and a regular courier(1 yr), I was an apartment manager (2 yrs), worked for two auto repair shops (total of 3 yrs), worked at Arby's (1 yr), worked at a trucking company and learned to be a dispatcher (2 yrs), I was a security guard part time for the trucking company's lot where they kept the trucks at night, three nights a week,(2 yrs),  worked at two grocery outlet stores (2 yrs), did the bookkeeping for a bowling alley (5 yrs), drove for the Fresno Auto Auction and then drove cars for some of the dealers after they purchased them at the auction (2 yrs).....Not necessarily in that order but I learned so much, learned it all very quickly and pretty soon I had become pretty arrogant and could hardly stand myself........don't know how my friends put up with me!!

Towards the end of this four year period I met Russ.....my second husband! Did I learn from the first time??? Hell no, within three weeks he was moved in........I swore I would never get involved again........and thats why I almost worked around the clock!! I was a workaholic in her glory! But I fell and actually as much self confidence that I had accquired to this point was amazing but I still had little to no self-esteem! Did you know there's a difference??  I got every job I applied for because of my confidence and I knew I was worth every penny they would offer me but I avoided everything that might lead to a relationship because I lacked the self-esteem to believe that I was good enough for free.........I don't know if that makes any sense or not!

Russ and I lived together for two years before we got married.  He had accepted my "workaholicism" and I told him that if he started nagging me to quit jobs it would be over!! I had depended on one man for 21 yrs and I would never depend on anyone but myself ever again!! So life was pretty good......with two incomes to pay the bills we were cruising along with rarely a snag in the relationship so we got married! Everyone loved Russ!! My ex-inlaws, my new inlaws (lol), my friendsI, even my kids!! Life was pretty good!!

About three years into the marriage, Russ admitted to me that he was an alcoholic! An alcoholic??? What the hell?? I was a bartender!! I had no clue!  He entered rehab because he was about to loose his job and his marriage! But I told him that if he entered a program I would help him through it.  I learned so much about myself, it was amazing!!  I should have had the word "co-dependent" tattooed across my forehead!! I had never heard that word before that.  It was an inpatient program so for the first ten days there was no contact and after that you had to go to a class and watch a film and then you could visit after that.........and I did it all .......I even went on "bloody tuesdays" where everyone sat in a huge circle in this room and your spouses as well as children could come and say what they thought about it all and how they felt! It was an amazing learning experience to see young children tell their parent in the program exactly how it made them feel and these kids did not mince any of their thoughts!! Eventually on a particular Tuesday I even spoke to Russ across the room.....you had to sit across the room from each other not next to.....and I told him, "Russ, this has got to work, not for me but for you!! I cannot afford to do this again.......financially or emotionally!!"  I attended Ala-non meetings, I went to visit him regularly and watched all the films!! And actually he did not drink for the next twelve years!! And then one day as I was looking under the car seat for my sunglasses I found a pint of Vodka!! I was sooooooo infuriated I threw the bottle at the house and it splattered into a thousand pieces!! I filed for a divorce THAT day! I guess I was too strong of a person to live with someone who could not find it in themselves to do what was right and to have worked that hard and to just let go made him look very weak to me.  So that 15 year marriage ended but after all was said and done he and I remained best friends!! Go figure! It was easy though he knew I would not accept the alcohol, so whenever he came to my apartment he knew better than to have been drinking.......he was someone I could call on for help anytime! He moved to Grass Valley to live with his sister and would drive back to Fresno to help me with my fundraising ventures for the hospital whenever I needed him to........About six months later his sister called and told me that he had to be hospitalized and he was in a coma, I had told him several days before that he sounded like he had pneumonia and needed to see a Dr........he assured me it was just allergies.His sister said they addmitted him for the pneumonia but other things were happening his other organs were shutting down........why?

My twin daughter was also in the hospital at the same time having part of her toes removed from her diabetes, I could not leave her!! Russell passed away and his sister sent me a copy of his death certificate and after the autopsy they filled out Reason for Death as "Endstage Liver Disease".........OMG, his sister and I both felt guilty!! Did he start drinking again to kill the pain? Emily had told him the week before that if he came home from work drinking again he would have to move out! But as quickly as we came up with these theories we had to dismiss them........Russ was a grown man.......we had insurance!! He could have went to a Dr or at least told me if he was in pain......Drinking was not an answer nor a cure!!

My life so far has been one hell of a journey!!!! An amazing learning experience!! A collection of memories........some of which a picture could never capture, some that only sit in a pocket in my heart, and some that I am still trying to explain to myself!!