Run, Lola, Run!!

While listening to my step-daughters podcast this morning with Amy Bernhard, it was like she slapped me upside the head!! Her craft tip to listeners was, "Going to places where she feels a little bit uncomfortable," when looking for ideas. It struck a chord inside my brain where I had to replay it multiple times, first because I didnt know why and then because I did know why!!

Recently my sister Melanie, oldest of four siblings my father had with his first wife, came to spend five days with me.  When I found my biological father six years ago, along with him came four siblings I was not aware of .  I have spent short amounts of time getting to know Melanie but last week was a 24/7 five day visit.  We laughed and cried and talked about our lives, the trials and tribulations we both have survived. The ups and downs and good times and the bad.

Now for ions it seems like it has bothered me that my other siblings from my mother were about the most uncaring, selfish individuals in my eyes, especially when it came to raising their children. Partying, drugs, no work ethic, just flakes. By the same token I found out from my sister that she too lived this lifestyle, to the point of her mother taking her oldest daughter away from her.  Her daughter by the way, could not love her mother more today!! In fact she also has four sons and they love their mother immensely.

All of this crammed into a five day period became like a sandblaster to my soul. What did I do wrong? It has made me go to a very uncomfortable place for days now, all the time me pushing back the demon at every appearance......it began haunting me, I couldn't sleep, I'm hungry all the time, not a good thing for a diabetic for sure. I am feeling more like a failure than I ever have before.  As a mother, a friend, a wife, as a human being mostly.

I uncomfortably look around me at all the parents whose kids love them so much that in all sanity in my mind should have run as far from them as they could and I have to realize that my own children have done just that.....they have run as far from me as they could.  These are choices they made and Im okay with that.......but it forces me to examine my life while they were growing up and how straight I was......no partying, no drugs, giving them everything they wanted.....yes my children rarely had to ask for something twice. Spoiled cannot even begin to describe what they were. I realize now that thier father and I did not do them any favors raising four very priveledged children who did not appreciate anything in their life.  Along with a divorce came the realization that neither of us could keep this lifestyle going seperately......hence, they went as far away from us as they could.  Is it any consolation that they had nothing to do with their father as well? Hardly! I had enough on my plate not to wonder or worry about his.

For years I have said that my sisters smoked weed everyday just like I smoke cigarettes and I never saw them abusive or wild.....they mostly were chill and their children were not little terrors at all. They minded better than mine did, they seemed happy all the time and thanks to welfare they were never hungry! I had a vision as a teenager that my children would all have ONE father......just one!! Well if I look at most of these cases, the children come from several fathers and nobody cares!! What the hell is wrong with me????  My sister Mel's daughter is number nine of  fifteen  for her father and number one for my sister...and the only child she had by him. Her four boys have two more different fathers.....one of my sisters from my mother had two both from different fathers and another sister also had children by different men.

I suppose it can be said that "different strokes........" but it doesn't settle anything inside my brain.  I do feel immensely better since I have put this in print....I may sleep better tonight!! I will go to my grave not knowing how I could have changed my own childrens lives, but I know in my heart I did it the best way I knew how and had only the best, loving mentors along the way.  So maybe I can finally put this all to rest......get a great nights sleep and quit letting guilt for all the mysteries in my life eat me alive.  One day my own children may run into this and maybe it wasn't all my fault after all...........we'll see.

Last week Dan and I were invited by one of our neighbors to go camping for a couple of days.  Well anyone who knows me knows I'm not the ourtdoorsy type!!  When I posted it to Facebook even my grandaughter commented in shock!  I too was shocked that it was so appealing to me at the time.  That should have been my first clue that God had a hand in it I'm sure!!

I got so wrapped up in meal planning and prep cooking and shopping.........OMG shopping!! I was having just too too much fun and it did puzzle me at the time but I kind of blew it off and I thought what made it appealing to me was that we were not going that far from home, just up the road to Morro Bay.......and I LOVE Morro Bay!  Brenda  had a long time friend joining us for the trip and I had heard so much about this lady that I was excited to meet her.

Now you have to understand that both these ladies are educated, well adjusted professional women in their fields of work and I should have felt a little intimidated but because I have over the past six years became such good friends with my neighbor that the thought never crossed my mind!  So off to Morro Bay we go in our little RV and get to the campground on the beach and the weather was so beautiful and all was great! Later in the afternoon her friend arrived and Oh My Goodness she was such an interesting lady.  She had been around the world in her travels and did so many interesting things and it came up that her and Dan had both been to Micronesia which is the most unlikely place that two strangers would have in common.......places like Truck, Yap, Guam and a fistful of other places including Saipan where Dans family lived for two years.  The conversation went on for hours and I sat there totally facinated by all I was listening to and then DINNER!! Goodness dinner was great!!  We bbq'd shrimp and had an asian noodle salad and my neighbor made a great tomatillo salsa and i had made a shrimp cocktail and it got cold but the fire was great........

As we waited for her arrival other campers were setting up around us......I got to see so many new fangled camping things that I want to shop for........lol A solar lantern that Brenda had that you blow up like a mini beach ball.....her friend had a solar shower........a big bag you fill with water and lay on the hood of the car to heat up with a shower hose attached to one end of it.....I got to see her wash her hair!! The folks next to us had this zip up screen enclosure that enclosed the whole picnic table.....I definitely have to have one of those for the bugs although there were none there that night.

Somewhere along the evening Vickie told us about her son, an only child, who is a young adult and as a lot of young adults nowadays feels entitled to a life he envsioned......lol  She told us how he had received a large inherritance from one of his grandfathers and how he had gone thru it in a short six months. How he still lives at home with her and is not employed and not in school.  Sometime the next day he came up in the conversation again and as I sat there listening to her go on about him it occurred to me how lucky she was to see him each day and to know he was eating and that he was well and could say good morning to him everyday if she wanted to.......I realized  she had never thought of the alternative.  It made me sad and I tried to keep my two cents to myself but all of a sudden I blurted out........"Vickie can I tell you a story?"  I began to tell her that I have not seen either of my sons for almost thirty years......Her and Brenda looked at me in shock, although Brenda was aware of the fact.  I half assed explained to her why and I told her ......"so next time  you get upset with him, remember that you see him everyday, you never need to wonder if hes eating or has a roof over his head or if he's even alive!"  And it began to click in my little brain why God had made me so excited to go CAMPING!!  Just a couple of hours later she made a smart assed comment about him  and then quickly looked at me and said......."but I know where he is!!!" Amen to that......

I felt good........very good, in fact, that I had been able to share that with her and to know that forever more with every derogatory thought she had about her unappreciative son, she would also think about the fact that she knew WHERE he was and HOW he was!!  About mid afternoon the next day  Brenda got a text from another very good friend of hers that was teaching a class at Cuesta College and she was gonna come by the campsite before going home just to chit chat!!  I got to meet Julie......!!  Ten minutes out of the car and I hear her telling Brenda about her 18 yr old daughter who left home to move in with her boyfriend of 28 and his entire family.  They're foreign but Im not sure exactly from where but she was devastated!! Now here was another (although married) strong, educated, professional woman who felt she had a lot of control and now reali ing that the control was slipping out of her grasp.  I listened because I didn't know her and again I find myself in the middle of the conversation and this time its, "Julie can I tell you a story?" Oh my goodness my Portuguese blood was running full strength that day!!! 

I proceeded to tell her about my oldest daughter and how controlling I had been and how my sentence for all this was her moving to Utah and then to Oregon and me not seeing or talking to her or my three grandkids for 18 years!!  She told me how these people were not good and I held my hand up to her and I said........"Julie, it doesn't matter.......shes 18! The law says she can do what she wants and you have no say.  And the harder you pull her back to you......the faster she will go in the opposite direction!"  To say the least it was two days that I will not soon forget that my sadness and pain may save someone else from a lifetime of both. Julie stayed and had dinner with us and we bbq'd again, this time shishkabob and veggies and Brenda made a great salad and the conversation was enriching to everyone I think.  Julie even brought a fistful of rocks and had us all painting rocks......lol EVEN ME!! I'm sitting here now looking across the deck at my rock I painted in the geranium pot on the porch.......lol  Before Julie left she hugged me so tight and I told her......we want to protect them but some lessons they have to learn on their own honey!! Give her some space at least she's still speaking to you!!!

So YES, God does work in mysterious ways!!! He showed me that I can CAMP..........haha  And my pain is a tool that maybe I can share with folks to make them see before its too late what they had not considered yet.  The consequences are not always worth the energy we expend trying to make our results be THE result!!!  I left camp feeling good........good about learning to camp, good about meeting strong educated independent and professional women I was neither intimidated by or afraid of and good that I could share my heartbreak and maybe spare someone else the same heartbreak in the future!!  Thank you Lord for holding onto me always!! Amen!!

Looking back on my Blog I can see I did not type one entry in the year of 2015 !!! I am totally shocked that I let that much time go by without typing one word in this blog.  I'm sad cause I love to write and I don't know how I let that much time get by without a single word and I'm also ahamed for my stepdaughter to know this as well.  I should be learning from her examples dammit!!  Rachael is so dilligent when it comes to writing and so openly shares all her tools for me to just callously let all this wisdom swirl at the drain is criminal to say the least!

Today Rachael Herron I solemly swear to you and my Angel in Heaven that I will make an effort, a real effort to type some amount of words each day or KNOW exactly why I did not.  I got on today because I have something on my mind that I wanted to share and then when I saw the date on my last posting I almost lost my whole train of thought.......I have it back now and I will proceed with that thought on the next post and then I'll try to back track thru 2015 and share some of that too.!! So so sorry!!

When you look back up into your family tree........do you see names or do you really see people that you bled down from? I guess I see both! But first of all I see people.......people from my past that bled into my blood lines things that have made me loving, quirky, strange, unique, blessed, and cursed!

When I go back to the farthest branch at the top of that tree I find my great-grandmother, Rosa! In previous stories shes "town gramma"! My oldest love!!  She instilled in me and passed along so many traits.......my quick wit for one......for an old lady she was very quick!! She was short in the patience department........OMG that one she put right into my veins!! I still battle that one on a daily basis.  She was the start of my culinary ventures!!  I do believe that despite the fact that I was forced to learn to cook at the age of eight, enitre meals for a family of six that quickly grew to a family of eleven, I still today love "my kitchen"!!  My early years I spent so much of everyday in the kitchen with town gramma cooking!  Being full blooded portuguese, I think it was in her veins as well!!  I remember as early as two years old the smells that rose from that kitchen and each food item attached to them.  Yeast!! I love the smell of yeast from all the breads she baked regularly.  And don't you know, its the one thing I do not do well.....I think its the "patience thing"!

My gramma made the best homemade sausages!! My goodness you could smell them all over the neighborhood cooking!! She made portaguee sausage (linguica) and my favorite, blood sausage!! Over the years I have looked for blood sausage in specialty shops and have found none that even come close to the looks of my grammas.  She put small chunks of pork and fat in it and tons of green onions and sometimes when sharp knives were involved she would chase me outside to play!  The ground floor of her big house was on the level ground in front but in the back the ground was on a hill so if I went to the kitchen windows I could sit on the window sill which was only like six inches off of the ground......so I would go there to sit and watch her when the sharp knives came out! I could sit on that sill for hours and watch her make sausage!  She gave tons of it away to family and friends so when this was happening it made me happy because I knew we would have company later in the day!! Yes, at two and three years of age I already loved being the center of attraction!! I think then my gramma thought I would become a star!!! lmao  Earlier this year I got the bug to make sausage from scratch too........sometimes I think I do weird things to go back to that great time in my life!! Well that was short lived!! Hell thats a lot of work!!!

Back to "yeast"!! My gramma would make at Eastertime portuguese sweet bread and she would braid the dough into a ring and put a raw egg in the middle and after baking you would end up with a sweet roll and a hard boiled egg for breakfast on Easter Sunday!!  She made tons of these every year and we would take a huge box with us to church on Easter morning and I don't really know what happened to them at church but we never came home with any!!  Ah the smells, as I sit here on the deck typing I swear I can smell it like it was coming out of my own kitchen!!

Cooking is just one element of her that I have instilled inside my gene pool.......I think organization is another!!  My gramma was very organized!  I don't think I'm as great at this as whe was but I am close!!  And I think I am the "planner" because of her also!! Boy can I plan!!!  And worry! Dan will tell me when I have worked thru a dilema in my world......"what you gonna worry about now?"......lol  He thinks its funny, I think its like my lifes blood to worry! I can find something always to worry about or to plan!! I found out two weeks ago that my grandaughter and her husband are coming to visit next weekend and OH MY GOODNESS .......it was on!! What am I making for dinner?  What am I making for breakfast? What do they like to drink..........snacks, deserts...........!!!  And I am the queen of "Lists"!!  When I die I am sure they will find lists still hanging around from my wedding!! I recently cleaned out a drawer and its been almost three years and there one sat!! That kind of started this story today.....thinking about finding that list!!

PRIDE!! My gramma was a proud women and she instilled in me to be proud!! Proud that I am Portuguese, proude that I am Hawaiian and mostl of all proud that I am a woman!!  I was telling Dan, my gramma had hair down past her waist and the first thing she did every morning was to comb her long hair and put it up in a bun and she had two combs that went on either side of her head!!  Every night that I can remember she put my hair in "rag curls"! I hated it but she had strips of cloth that she wound my long hair around and in the morning after she did her hair she would undo the strips of cloth from mine and take a huge comb and run the water in the bathroom sink and slide the comb under the water and comb my long curls with it into long shirley temple curls that went to the middle of my back! Oh lest I forget the one right in the middle of my head that got combed into one big curl straight back along the middle of my head!! lmao........... Yep everyday!!  The only makeup my gramma wore was a little red rouge on each cheek!  One day I tried to put it on my cheek and it looked funny so in my effort to fix it I completely covered my face with it!! It hurt like hell to have it scrubbed off while she cursed me in portaguee the whole time!! But there is a gene that got passed along to my Renee'!!! She would never go out without her hair and makeup done!! Genes........funny stuff!!  I'm pretty sure that when Renee' got to heaven the first person she looked up was Mary Kay!! Its the only stuff she ever used because I used it since I was twenty-four years old!! And funny one day I was putting in a Mary Kay order and thought to myself......OMG Nay has the main hook up now!!! lol And by the way, Nay also got that "pride" gene too.........Oh my goodness that girl was proud!! Its just one of her many traits I loved!! We are both thankful Gramma that you passed them to us!! And as I look at the picture below I noticed another thing about my gramma........she was well into her eighties when that picture was taken I'm sure but notice her posture!! She always stood tall for a short person.........lol Thats what reminded me of how proud she was always!! When I was little and she would catch me slouching she would make me stand against a door facing with my shoulders touching the wood........imagine that for a minute!!!   Its a good thing I had no butt then too!!! But I always felt like my stomach was sticking straight up in the air!!

Speaking of "gene pool"........lol  When I first moved here from the valley and had to find a new Dr, I picked one and showed up for my appointment.  Sitting in the exam room nervous about meeting a new doctor, a knock on the door and he opened it looking at me with a very strange look on his face!  He said "Lola?" and I said "yes" and he walked in and asked, "you are 61?"  I shook my head and his comment was......"well you got lucky in the gene pool!!"  I was stunned at first, later flattered, but now that I think about it........I don't look like what I think sixty five should look like!! But after meeting my biological father.........I can see that it was in the gene pool!! He is eighty-five and definitely does not look it! So yeah, I did get lucky in the gene pool in more ways than one!! Below is the only photo I have of my gramma and she is holding me!!  I know that she looks down from heaven and knows everything she ever taught me has come to fruition!  I don't believe I have ever forgotten one thing she ever taught me and for most of them I have clung onto through the hardest and the best times of my life!! I hope she has seen from afar that all her hard work was not in vain........lol well, once in awhile I slipped throughout my life and now that I know my biological father, I can see those genes have surfaced also!!  He was and still is a little coniver!! Yep that would be me at times in my life also!!  I attribute it to that old saying.........You do what you gotta do!!!

For most I think school was a humdrum drudgery that was dreaded every morning of every week.........for me, school was my sanctuary!! It was time away from a homelife I not only dispised, I dreaded returning to every afternoon.  The bus ride home was always too fast!! I have always been like a sponge when it came to learning!! I attended mostly Catholic schools so for a long period in my life I aspired to become a Nun!! Imagine that??.......lmao God would have been dreading dealing with me!!  Sometimes I would climb off of the bus and before the two block hike home (and trust me I use the term home very loosely) I would just sit on the curb and cry!! I knew once I entered the doors there .......there could be no more tears!! The walk home always had me going over every step I took that morning before leaving for school......sure that I had forgotten to do something or doing it wrong......and always there would be a yelling waiting for me when I got there.....if not the belt! It seemed my whole being was wrong......nothing I did, no matter how hard I tried ever turned out right!! Was I just doomed to this life forever?? Would a day come when I would be able to be free from the abuse, free from all that I had learned to hate at too early an age in any childs life?? Did others have mothers that despised them as mine so apparently did me? Was I a freak of nature never to be a carefree child like I had been in my first seven years of my life? Apparently so!!

But I did escape! I was able to be free again.....to smile, to laugh, to cry at my own choosing, to learn how harsh the world could be and at the same time, how wonderful !! So today at the age of sixty-five I can look back and know I did all in my life that I had to do to feel like a valid human being........dramatic? For sure!!!  I wouldn't trade one minute of this life for anything in the world.......the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful!! It all has combined in a manner to make me, ME!! And after years of trying to be perfect, I am the first to admit, I am NOT!! And its okay........lol  I did the best job I knew how to do and had marvelous teachers along the way to help guide me into motherhood.....adulthood......coping skills (still have not perfected this one! lol) but I am proud to have landed on two feet.........my own two feet!!  Survived two marriages, four children, 12 grandchildren and now six great grandchildren!! Some days I can just sit and wonder back over the years and pick and choose things I might have done differently but wouldn't! I can appreciate all that has happened to me as a wife, ex-wife, mother, grandmother, great grandmother and a woman!! WOW........what a ride its been!! Is it any  wonder I have a fear of heights, water, fire, small spaces, critters, alcohol, drugs, men, women, kids, foods I can't recognize, some foods I can recognize........my goodness what a psychotic mess I have ended up being!! But for the most part its been fun, its been an education, its been many learning experiences wadded up into a ball and now at this stage in my life.........I am still bound and determined to learn more!!

So off to school I go once more!!! Now attending Hancock College in Santa Maria California!! Im taking a Paralegal course that is absolutely more interesting than I could have dreamed it would be.  I have an attorney in the biggest law firm in Santa Maria as our teacher and he is wonderfully entertaining while teaching us the fudementals of law in a way we can truly understand it!! We have several pre-law students in the class and he told them that if you do not feel from the bottom of your gut that the constitution provides for everyone to have a fair trial and legal counsel and that the constitution along with the amendments are the center post of our society and should be used ethically at all times to the letter.......then maybe this is not the profession for them........it took him seventeen years to be a certified attorney!! And $144,000.00!!! He says its a large chunk of your life to invest into a career that may not in the end suit you!! So he tells us often of cases that he has dealt with personally some of which are quite controversial to see one, our reactions, and two, to hear our points of view! Its facinating to say the least but has put me in a dilema again!! Do I just finish the math and arts requirements I need to obtain a liberal arts degree or do I go full speed ahead and get a degree or a certificate in Paralegal..............hmmm, decisions, decisions!! But I think I will at least after this semester go ahead and finish the requirements to get my AA and then maybe follow up on this paralegal stuff!! 

And who knows.........by then I'll be approaching seventy...........law school???     Hahahahaha      

Everyone has a demon! .........and some of us are exceptionally lucky and have several!!!  At fifty I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes.  It has become my demon!! I think had I known my biological father before I turned sixty-one I might have known that I was destined to be a diabetic since Diabetes runs so rampid through his bloodline.  But nevertheless I didn't and I have been battling with it ever since!

You would have thought that my family, grandmothers and mother, would have known this and when I was a child they would not have let me try to eat the world all in one mouthful!!!  I say this as Im sitting here typing and eating a frozen lemon icee cup!! lol But its only 60 calories so I figure it makes a good between meal snack! Actually I have become addicted to them since the last weekend that Sonja was here cause Elizabeth and Andrea bought some and left them!! Its their fault!! But I got to reading the label on the box and when I found out it only had 60 calories in a serving it thrilled me..........

So we can all see now that food is my demon but I am learning to strangle him daily!! Two years ago the Doctor wanted to put me on insulin! I fought him about it.......I couldnt go to insulin! That would have made my daughters death be for nothing!! And I wouldnt allow that! I had to learn from it .........there were no two ways around it!! In the last six months I have neither lost or gained a pound!! Sometimes thats disheartening but knowing at this age how easily weight climbs onto your body and starts building an estate.......I am learning to appreciate the fact! Im ok that Im not loosing as long as Im not gaining!  I walk everyday and somedays are more challenging than others! But I find things to take up the challenge like the selfies I been taking and I learned how to use the free radio on my phone so that helps.......joking around with Dan helps too!! Somedays I teach him how to march like a drum major and salute the judges in competition!! OMG.....its hysterical and I can just see the minds rolling on peoples faces as they pass us in their cars!! They have no clue whats going on and that makes it even funnier!! Some days we climb into the oleanders to see if avocados have ripened and fallen.....and some days we just daydream!!!

In my battles I have learned a lot! Im addicted to bread and rice! Those two items by themselves could slay me in no time.......so I have not given them up like I know I should but I have learned to curb their use!  Today for lunch I was craving a cheeseburger so instead of buns I used lettuce leaves and put everything on it, pickles, tomatoes, and onions! Delicious!!  I try not to cook rice more than twice a week and Im not a big pasta fan so I dont worry about it!

I had a Drs appt on Thurs and then Friday Dan left for a music festival and I told him that since I had three months till my next appt I was going to go the donut house on the hill and get me a big ass donut!! But now Im thinking that ......that is all I wanted, you know, the permission to do it!! Because I completely forgot about it after he left and didnt realize till Saturday afternoon that I had not done it!! It felt really good to know that I dont feel deprived when I allow myself to say.........Yes Lola you can have one big donut!!! Sounds very childish but something inside my brain Im thinkin is still a child!!!  I don't want something half as bad if I can have it!!  I try to cook healthier meals with veggies........I think I could be a vegetarian very easily........lol but it helps also that Dan will eat anything!!

So in my battle I would say the score is about 10-1 my favor!! Oh the little devil still lurks around every corner.........but he needs to pick on someone half my age who thinks they have a lifetime to fix the problem!! I KNOW my time is short......you cant beat my ass!! Not today anyways!!! LMAO!!

We all have food issues I'm sure!! For me they are mostly "comfort issues"! The other night as Dan and I sat having dinner I apologized to him for what I had made for dinner.......it was totally edible but I know his dislike for hamburger! Being raised on an Arizona cattle ranch he is totally a meat and potatoes guy!!  I had made for dinner my very favorite "comfort food" ever! Hamburger patties with onions in them fried and then a mushroom gravy made from Campbells Cream of Mushroom soup served over white steamed rice!! He understood that I was chasing comfort foods because of my "baby girl blues" week I was going through.  How I love him for that!!

This meal was Nays favorite "comfort food" also.........she would call me and ask me to make it for her and I'd tell her its so easy Nay and she would whine that it doesn't taste the same mom!! Oh my goodness but I would always make it for her why?  Well because its my favorite also!! lol  I never knew what her reasoning for turning to this meal was but I do know why I do it.........

When i was a child I started learing to cook when I was eight years old and by nine I pretty much did most of the cooking in our house under the supervision of my mother.  The oldest of nine I learned to cook "Big"!!  Its still today very hard for me to cook "small".........and having such a large family meant we ate hamburger a LOT!! I can cook hamburger a trillion different ways!!

But at dinner time it was also my job to feed whomever the baby was at the moment! That meant I didn't get to eat till the baby was done and usually the meal was cold by then! But when we had hamburger patties with mushroom gravy I had to portion the hamburger out with an ice cream scoop and make sure there was two patties for everyone at the table.......so at least I knew even though it would be cold, I would have my two patties waiting for me!! lol I think thats the first reason its my "run to" comfort food! And I don't know as an adult why I still feel like that cause we never went hungry but I think i always feared that dinner wouldn't make it till I was ready to eat........so stupid!! I always had food to eat!! But there was some kind of reassurance in the fact that I knew there would be two patties waiting for me!! The second reason I think is because if you eat it out of a bowl.........it just feels right!! you hold the bowl close to you and its hot and you just can feel the steam in your face and the heat running through your hands and its oh soooooo comforting!! lol

That brings me to another "issue" I have! Cold food!! I hate it!!  I guess because mostly by the time I got to eat the food was cold.......I have to have HOT food now!! Even when my kids were growing up I would call them to eat and they would whine that the food is too hot!! They would fool around and whine till the food was cold!! So my intentions were for nothing I guess.........and now Dan is the same way!! I call him for dinner and he moseys along and takes his sweet time and then has to feed the cat........OMG!! I recently started eating before he got to the table and its sorta hurries him along.........lol I seldom eat sandwiches cause of my love for HOT food........issue? YES!! lol

Next?? Cream of Wheat!!! I love cream of wheat but as a child in my hurry in the mornings to get my siblings fed and get myself ready for school I would never measure correctly and the there would be lumps in the cream of wheat! My mother would make me put all the lumps into my bowl and I got very used to eating lumpy cream of wheat..........as an adult I cant make lumpy cream of wheat to save my ass!!  The other morning Dan made cream of wheat and I saw there were several lumps in it........I asked him how'd you do that???? lmao

Throughout my life no matter how lonely, scared, sad or mad I was........I could run to my food for comfort!  In the last year and a half in an effort to keep from taking insulin I have tried very hard to stay away from those things........and its been working pretty good!  Last year when we went to Hawaii another comfort food I have is "malasadas" a portaguee donut made in Hawaii at Leonards Bakery and has been made by the same bakery since I was a child! My town gramma made them when I was little.  She always had yeast dough rising in the kitchen in large bowls around the bottom of the water heater where it was warm!!  If I was real good while she was busy she would let me stick my little fat finger into the huge balls of dough and make them pop when she got ready to knead them!   Kinda funny the stuff you recall sometimes!!  I did go Leonards one day and bought some to take to my cousins house but I did only eat ONE! Hawaiian food is very comforting but we didn't have it much as kids cause one its labor intensive and two there were too many of us for it to be affordable! But its whats served at every luau for birthdays, weddings, divorces LOL, and funerals! So we loved it when we got invited to a family function and could get to eat all of the delicacies. Nowdays in Hawaii there are so many food trucks, resturants and drive ins that make Hawaiian food that it is readily available and not so ridiculously priced that its very practical to have it for an everyday dinner anytime.  But while in Hawaii last year I ate one of everything!! It became a game of sorts.........I didnt want to gain very much weight back so I figured if I had one it would get it out of my system and it worked. When I got home and weighed I had lost one pound!! lol

I could probably write forever about food........I love to eat it, I love to cook it and I even love to shop for it!! Thats crazy!! I always dreamed of having my own resturant but that was back when I was younger and now at this age...........not so much!! So I don't think working on this blog will eliminate my need to run to my "Comfort Foods" in the future........but I guess maybe now I understand a little more why I do it!! This is what comes from random thoughts!!! lol

Last night while Dan worked on his computer on a project, in my attempt to let him work in peace I decided I would clean out my saved emails.......mostly junk and receipts that needed to put in their own files! I went so far back that I ran into emails that Dan and I exchanged when we first met!! Now, Dan has always told me......"You should write a book by just publishing our emails."  Well, one, someone did that years ago.....I don't know if she made any money at it but its an old idea anyways!!

But it did give me the idea to include some of them in my blog!! Now the first emails I don't have because we emailed through the dating site that we were using.......but I do have them after a couple of months of emailing and talkin on the phone.......let me share some of the older ones I have.........

Hi Lola--yes, totally jam-packed week, starting with going back to work, finishing the Fiji proposal only to find they postponed the due date for two weeks, then getting stomach cramps, probably resulting from the music festival I attended over the weekend. Better now. Did I tell you I camped with some beautiful and talented musicians, an all-woman band called the Whoreshoes? My daughter is married to the banjo player. Here is a shot of one of their practice sessions, with me being the guy in the last frames, jamming with them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkFLqNzzOLc&eurl=http://www.yarnagogo.com/

It was fun, if exhausting.

Would love to see you if you come down to Morro Bay, and we can talk any time by phone. Well, maybe not anytime, I think and hope I left my cell phone at work, otherwise I've lost it. Something will work out, I'm sure, because we enjoy talking to one another.

Later,

Dan Herron

Hi there Dan, How have you been?  Busy Im sure, me too!! Im off today so Im taking some time to do a few emails.  I know my cousins in Hawaii must have been wondering if I forgot about them!   Anyways, I wanted to thank you for calling me last Monday. Chatting with you was very pleasant and a little scary huh? I always think its strange when I meet someone who has as much in common with me as you do!!  Not scary, just a little erie you know?  You have to keep me up on the Fiji thing that is incredible!! I smile about it every time I think about it.  I love adventurous people, maybe because Im not as adventurous as I would like to be huh?  Anyways, thank you so much .....it was very nice to laugh that much and interact in conversation with someone as interesting as you are!!Take care and maybe in a couple of weeks I might drive over to Morro Bay for the day.  I'll let you know ok?.......Lola

Hey Dan, guess what?  I guess I am coming over to Morro Bay for a couple of days.  Im going to be there the 18th, 19th and check out the 20th.   It was kind of quiet at work tonight so I got online to look at motels and I would have never thought I could afford anything on the hill in Morro Bay but I called this one place and talked to the lady, and OMG she was so nice!!! She even gave me a deal.....so it being affordable along with a fridge and microwave in the room and internet service too.......and I can look at the bay from up there.........its on Harbor St the one with the big hill going down to the water and the motel sits right at the top of the hill.........I am so very excited!! I have never been out of town totally on my own and I am so looking forward to it.  I will have quiet time to sit on the beach and contemplate life and all that it has to question........haha and I will have time to answer some long unanswered emails I have been lagging on and I will have a very nice patio overlooking the bay to do that.........a..n..d......I will be able to meet my new friend and have a wonderful visit with YOU!! It makes me smile because I finally am able to afford a short mini vacation and really enjoy myself and hopefully you will enjoy it too!!.....anyways, I better get my butt back to work, I just couldnt wait to tell you!!  Talk to you soon Dan!.........Lola

Hi Lola--great that you are coming! I wasn't scared, just haven't checked e mail for a few days...look forward to spending some time with you.

It is morning here, and I should be driving to work, but needed to reply...I thought you hadn't responded to my e mail, but I got 2 from you. Will write more later...hi ho, hi ho, off to work....

Dan

I personally thought he did get scared!! You know that thing most folks call "gut instinct"??? lol I figured what the hell ......either he would show up or he wouldn't, either way I was getting a mini vacation out of it and not depending on anyone to support it or even give a damn!! lol I just wanted a few laughs and frankly just to see if I still had it in me to even want to converse with a MAN!! Its one thing to send emails back and forth but to actually hold a conversation face to face....hmmm, I don't know bout all that!!

Hi Lola, I am delighted that I will get to meet you and dine you and spend Morro Bay time with you...We connect so well already it should be like old friends meeting. I promise not to be stuffy and formal, and not even nervous unless you get nervous. In fact, prepare to get hugged. That's more me than a "Good Evening, Ms. Romero, allow me to introduce myself." and a handshake. Hmmm...I don't want to scare YOU, so a handshake and then I will ask you with my eyes if you want to hug me.

There are plenty of good places to eat in Morro Bay, we can decide that when we meet. I work till 5:15 in SLO, about 20 minutes away, Sounds like you know Morro Bay and you know there are places to walk and talk, great sunsets and probably some kind of nightlife.

So you like "engulfing the ocean"? I think you should stand on the waters edge and get re-edge-ucated. Hey, when you write your first book, I want the first autographed copy. I'm serious now.

Give me a call tomorrow between cooking chores. And make a copy of this e mail so you have all my contact information in one place.

Dan Herron

OMG Dan....my daughter would tell you that her mom has never met a stranger!!  I hug everyone....hehe  And I doubt you even know how to be stuffy or nervous.....nervous is not a word that is usually in my vocabulary unless Im in a Dr.s office!  I am usually very comfortable talking to anyone....you'll see, it'll be like old home week!!  And doesn't dinner and a walk sound wonderful???  I love to walk especially at the coast!  Seems like the ocean just takes years off of anyone healthwise, someday I know I will end up somewhere along the coast because thats when Im the happiest and always in a good mood! Im so excited and can hardly wait till Thursday morning to leave! I havent been to Morro Bay for about four or five years now but how much can that little spot change??? Right?  I dont know what we will have for dinner but it has to be spicy ok??? Do you know what capsaecin is? Well its the chemical that makes chiles hot and when we eat it it releases the chemical serotonin from our brain stems into our brains and serotonin is known as the "happy" chemical and OMG Dan, if we cant be happy between the chemicals being released from dinner, the ocean smell and sounds and sand between our toes...then something is terribly wrong with us!!!  Too funny huh??   Ok, Im at work so I better get back to it.  Im on swing shift tonight, 230 till 1100 tonight and I may have to do a day shift tomorrow because I am also a medical transcriptionist for the radiology dept so when the transcriptionist get bogged under with reports then I get called in for overtime, but I wont know till in the morning, it depends on how the night girls do tonight. But it was very pleasant opening up my home email and finding you there!!!  Such a smile on my face !!!  And dont worry I am looking forward to talking to you tomorrow but I dont want to wake you so I'll wait till later in the day to call unless I hear different from you ok?.........and, I hope you have the sweetest dreams ever tonight!!!  And just in case you put my stuff in a safe place too.......Me!! 

Good morning Dan!  I slept so good last night and guess what? hehe its one less day to wait now!!!  WHat a kid huh???  I know, I guess I will never grow up when it comes to some things.  I get truly excited about some things in my life and I do believe that keeps me young at heart.....I have never felt my age and I hope I loose my mind completely before I do !!  I told my daughter, when Mom looses her mind, please dont feel any guilt at all......its a fact of life baby, just put me in a home where they will feed me and give me drugs and I'll be kewl !!  haha She gets so upset with me.......she needs to just get over it!!  I told her when it gets there.......I wont know, its ok......sometimes I think she would like to hit me in the head wiith something and hurry the process along........hehe   Dan I laid here for a long time last night.......in an effort to not sound like a babling idiot when we meet, I was trying to sort things out in my mind......what will I talk about first, second?......will I talk at all?  No, I better not talk about that, I'll sound stupid!  What a mess I am.......you would think I have a problem meeting people and I dont......but youre a guy and I dont want to appear stupid or show off my lack of education or the fact that I can just carry on a conversation about world affairs when I cannot......you know?? And why am I doing this? Im such the social butterfly!!!  hehe  I guess I just want to get rid of all the nerves before I get over there.....its not like I do this all the time you know and Im not 30 anymore either.......hell I had to even get up out of the bed and look in the mirror.....OMG, I guess I really dont look 59 but then the insecurities set in and I started trying on clothes!!!  At freakin midnight!!!! I made myself laugh hysterically at how I was acting.......not ashamed, just silly!!  Hell I cant apologize for me......I am just me! Hopefully I wont come off as the babbling fool........hehe  Then I sat on the edge of my bed and just fell back laughing at the thought of you manuevering around your yard with the cell phone to your ear!!  I could not quit laughing Dan.......... This morning I was making me a cup of tea and thinking about everything I want to know about you........omg, Im so stupid sometimes huh? But I thought for a second, should I make a list?..........nah, that wouldnt be kewl......will I remember the things I want to know when I get there?.........probably not so quit worrying about it!!  Do I talk to myself often??......everyday!! haha I think I will get a little more nervous every day that goes by, and by Thursday I should be tired of that feeling and move on to excited!!!  I know, I think my daughter thinks I have AADD!!  OMG dont get me started on that subject, I could just kick those scientists in the butt for not discovering that when my oldest son was 5 !!!  I truly think it would have altered his life and mine!!  I used to think his sole purpose in life was to see me locked up in an insane assylum!  And I truly believe he had ADD and poor baby, his mom didnt know!! Do you ever wish you could turn the hands of time back for a minute??? hmmm....I do. Just the curious bug inside of me to see if things would have been different you know? I know, youre saying to yourself........"what the hell am I thinking?? I want to have dinner with her?"..........hahaha too late dear........and now I truly am laughing out loud!!  I want to hear your voice so bad and its way too early in the morning to call you.........soooooooo, I better get finished with my cooking and get ready to go to the party!!!  You enjoy your day off and try to take some of it OFF okay??...........Lola

Hi Lola, hope the party went well for you and you can relax now. My friend Jon spent most of the day with me, and we had a good time, working on a friend's boat (maybe we can go fishing), barbequeing, and just talking. But it feels good to be alone again, cats fed, nobody leaning on me to get anything done. Pleasant...

I'm glad you're crazy with anticipation for the Morro Bay time, it will be fun being part of that craziness. We already know the realiy important things about one another, and like what we know. That doesn't happen every day, Lola. Let me tell you a little of my background, which we don't get around to talking about, to see if that helps with some of the questions. Born in mid Arizona, first of my family (four kids) to complete college, got a degree in Psychology from UofA in Tucson. Went into the Peace Corps, built toilets in Western Samoa. Married a New Zealander I met there, back home to Arizona, then California, having 3 daughters, working mostly as a program administrator and grantwriter for non-profit organizations. Went to Saipan for 2 1/2 years, administering the grants from the Trust Territory of the Pacific Islands, traveling from Palou to the Marshall Islands. Great time and warm water....ahh. Came back, settled in Arroyo Grande 21 years ago, switched careers to transportation planning. Kids flew, wife got cancer and beat it, six years later it came back and we couldn't beat it. My kids are great, always getting together with one another in the Bay Area, and calling/visiting their dad regularly. I hate war, love my kids, appreciate glasses that are 3/4 full, and like variety. What's there not to like? My stomach, which is a beer belly, otherwise I carry 265 lb. on a 5' 10" frame OK. I like beer too much, savor food and rarely eat small quantities.

That's me in a nutshell. So now when we meet we get to talk about you....

See you soon.

Dan

I had to laugh out loud when I got this one!! Boy did he put it all in a nutshell or what?? He's not a man of few words but you will notice that my emails are somewhat short stories and his are "notes"........lol

OMG Dan, youre a nut!!  I love it !!  How you gonna put your whole life in a paragraph??? I am smiling from ear to ear because I have read it three times and cannot believe you did that!!! It would take me two novels if I leave out the really gruesome crap! hahaha And dont you dare think youre getting out of talking just because you sent me that paragraph!! NOT......! I bet I can make you talk more than you think ever possible.......hehe It sounds like you had a wonderful day also.......Im so glad!  How fun for you guys!!Speaking of barbequeing.....I had planned on taking some things to bbq at the beach on Friday.....if you dont have plans would you like to join me after work?  There used to be a spot by the curve in the road near the Rock with a little playground and some tables and BBQ's.  Like I said I havent been there in a long time so I dont know if its still there or not but I thought I would go see when I get there on Thursday. And you sound like a cuddly teddy bear......whats with "foolybear"??  You need to change it to cuddly.....hehe Hey, theres one of my questions.......do you like to cuddle? Hmm.....just curious and yes I love to cuddle!!  Ok, you like beer too much......I like wine too much!! hehe I seriously was contemplating tellin you my life in a paragraph but had to reconsider .....I just cant.  So you may have to be bored to death with my story in person..........sorry!  Its not near as interesting as yours trust me!  My goodness Dan, I cant beleive all that you have done and where all you have been.......how facinating!! Youre the one who needs to write a book......and let me have an autographed copy!! Every email we exchange opens our worlds up a little more to each other.  Its very settling somehow and makes meeting such a comfortable thing to do.  I am so curious to put a man to these emails......a real man, not a picture or someone I conjure up in my mind...but a real honest man.......you know?  And I cannot wait to look up into your eyes and see your smile for real.......OMG Dan, Im starting to sound like such the drama queen huh? hahaha.........sorry!  I guess I better just be honest and tell you that I am such the drama queen......hehe  I think it makes life so much more interesting!!  I dont have hard hateful drama in my life, Im too old and mellow for all that but I am probably what some folks call "colorful" hahaha.........you'll have to find out huh?Have a great day tommorrow ok??? ............Lola

Hi Lola--YES to cuddles, hugs, kisses, touches, snuggles....but I admit I might be rusty. Only cure is practice, practice, practice....

And of course yes to barbeque Friday night, I have been assuming we would be together all we could, maybe not assuming but definitely hoping.

But I do need my beauty rest before I zzzzzzzzzzzz

Cuddles,

Dan

Dan, I think you better go buy a 12 pack, get comfortable, put your feet up andprepare to relax........hehe This may even take several 12 packs and a coupleof days to get through!! But hopefully when youre done you will be able to understand the things I say, the reasons for the things I do and my feelings,whether right or wrong, are true, loving and full of hope for the future. Ok, Dan, I decided since Im working at a different hospital today and the pace is much slower that I would email you between patients and try to eliminate all this chatter about such stuff when Im with you....that way if you have questions we can deal with those instead of this long drug out thing........but Dan, if I dont explain this all to you, you will have no clue what makes me tick and OMG,I just realized you have a degree in Psychology.....well crap, ok dont analyze me, promise??? hehehe.......Im just me and too old to change.....the events in my life made me the person I am today.....and not too shabby a human being I might add! Im very loving, quite understanding, humanely tolerant, oh and Im working on my issues with patience.........hahaha I tell folks that God didnt think I would need to win a beauty pageant so he gave me other virtues I wouldbe able to carry a whole lifetime with me, a lot of common sense, the ability to make great judgement calls and the love for my fellow man and the need to always help others. All in all its been a great life, the good times have been wonderful and the bad times have been learning experiences.......I always try to learn from my mistakes and then that makes them not mistakes. I was born in Honolulu Hi on 9/7/49 to a 16 yr old ( I have a real problem calling her a mother and I will explain that to you). So she could finish school, I was given to my maternal grandmother and great grandmother to be cared for til she graduated. But when she graduated (I was 2 then), she married my stepfather who was already in the military and they moved to New York for six years. Being raised by two grammas one of whom was in her 70's, you canonly imagine the precocious brat I had become!! My maternal grandmother was Hawaiian and my great grandmother was her ex mother in law.......and she wasPortuguese........lost you yet??? hahaha  So I grew up with three languages in the first years of my life....and they wonder why I am confused???.......In actuality though I was rather bright, for only children usually are you know?.....and in essence I was an only child for 8 yrs of my life. I had no clue other kids lived any different than I did........I was never around other children. I was raised around a bunch of 70 year olds. And that made me a 4 year old 40 year old! I didnt know how to play because in Catholic school back in the day there was no playing, you learned! So I remember two toys I grew up with as a little girl.....one was a coloring book that was about two inches thick and my crayons, what seemed like a million colors at the time!! And the other was a doll about 10 inches tall and she was made of metal and she had a key in the middle of her back and when you turned it she roller skated. Iplayed with her for hours at a time and was perfectly happy mainly cause I didnt know any better and I didnt have only two toys because my gramma was poor, quite the opposite, she was very wealthy. I guess it had been so long since she raised my grandfather that she didnt know how to raise a little girl....but she taught me other skills.......hahaha  At 4 I could sit atop a stack of phonebooks and play canasta with her and her lady friends.....and we would have great little snacks and she would let me have a little glass of wine with them. hahaha........Hence my love for wine now Im thinkin!!! Only thing is my tastebuds reject the Mogan David I loved back then!! OMG the stuff you remember whenyou start unstuffing huh?? Crap! I guess its such a vivid memory becasue it taught me how to read. The gallon jug of Mogan David wine sat in the middle ofour kitchen table and I remember it looked so big when I was little and I would sit and sound out something till I was blue in the face. My gramma couldnt read or write so she was no help. But on Fridays when my other gramma would come and get me for the weekend, I would tell her the letters (she had taught me my alphabet when I was just two ) so I was a real pest at that age.......hahaha spelling everything I saw and nagging to know what it said!! And then she would tell me the word and thats how I learned to read by the time I was 4 !! Thankyou  Mogan David!!! hahaha at 4 I could read the whole gallon jug!! OMG Im thinking CPS would have real issues with that mess huh???Anyways, I was 8 years old. I was sitting and coloring one day at this huge mahogany dining room table in my grammas formal dining room when in the door walked this woman! She told me, get your things together youre going home! Home? c'mon, I was home!! My gramma and her proceeded to have a giant argument one screaming louder than the other and I was clinging to my gramma like someone had superglued my hands to her old apron! Finally through this nightmare I was thrown into the back seat of a car and driven off and every timeI opened my mouth I got slapped.....I could not imagine what had just happened to my world.......at a stop light I opened the back door of the car to run away and I fell out on the ground.....oh hell, let me back up! I told you I was raised by two grandmothers, I forgot to tell you that they both thought theother was starving me to death!.....so at 8 years of age I probably weighed somewhere in the vicinity best as I can guess from pictures.......about 150 lbs! So when I fell out of the car, I literally fell........and I had a hard time getting up so she was able to climb out and put me back in without much effor tat all.......my hair was down to my waist in those long rag curls, it made it very easy for her yank me by them and lead my little fat butt right back into the car.....I was taken to a house where I found out the meaning of the word "dad" and "brothers and sisters"!! Of which I had four by now and another on the way!.....it ended up I am the oldest of nine.....the youngest being born when I was 13.These kids had so many toys!!! I had never seen anything like it but they wanted to touch my few things I was able to bring with me.......my gramma kept my doll and my coloring book and crayons, or I would have lost those too!! I got a whippin for every thing it seemed. I had a smart mouth, that I wont argue with you.....but if she didnt like me why didnt she just leave me where I was........then in later years I found out it was all because she found out that my gramma had let me go to the zoo several times with my biological father and she was livid! And that was something she just couldnt deal with. One day after school instead of taking the bus home, I took the city bus to my grammas and naturally she had to call my mother.......OMG she beat the hell out of me andtold me I would not see my gramma again till I learned how to mind!  Well my gramma died three months later and I never got to see her again before she died. Still carrying that with me Dr Herron??.....hahaha yes and I will go to my grave with it! On my tenth birthday, I dont even remember what the hell I was doin that got me into trouble but OMG she was beating me unmercifully and for the first time ever I yelled back at her and told her that I was going to find my "realfather".....you know, my stepfather was so good to me and I grew to love him so much. And as a child you dont realize how things you say would ever hurt someone else you know? As an adult I realized that must have been very hurtful to him and he never treated me like he was hurt.....I do know the next week  I was in a lawyers office with him and my mother and he was adopting me. I found out later that was partly so I could travel with them through the military. But him and I remained close till his death in 1981, even though their marriage had ended and after spending five years in Japan, he remarried my stepmother before returning to the states!  From that marriage I have a little sister who is 33, her name is Julie and we are very close.......and in reality not even blood related but who said blood is thicker than water??? they never met me and Julie!!!  hehe She has two children and her and her mother still live in SanDiego where my father died. Its one of my favorite things to do, drive to San Diego and spend the whole day with Julie at my dads grave.....we take a picnic and talk and talk.......she was only 5 when she lost her father and Im her closest thing to him. I love to tell her stories about him. Its great. Anyways Im getting off track.....that day when I yelled at her about my real father........she yanked me by the hair took me to her bedroom and threw me against her bed.......she told me if I wanted to know him so bad she would tell me all about him and his family!!   She said they didnt want her to have me so they gave her medicine to take to get rid of me and she told me, I didnt take it once, I took it twice and see? you couldnt even die right!  Dan, how are you going to tell a 10 yr old something like that?....That one I do carry with me, Im ashamed to admit. Ok Dr. Herron I'll let you analyze that one cause I already know that I need to deal with it but I have real issues with my birthday.......its been a constant reminder throughout my life that I should not have lived and that I did, tells me what a survivor I really am and its given me the strength to endure so many things throughout my life and to trust in God that he will always watch over me. He is the reason I survived that and everything else in my life! I trust him completely to make everything alright. I know He only wants a wonderful life for all of us and if our life isn twonderful its because of choices we have made along the way and when we make the right choice.......voila, its so ok you know??? I have to be thankful to her for one thing......she showed me how not to be a mother and from that day forward thats all I wanted in the worst way was my own family. I would day dream that I would have this wonderful family and I would be the best mom ever and I have always resented the remarks that shrinks make that an abused child most always becomes an abusive parent!! How could anyone live that life and not want to have just the perfect life for their own children you know? Well when I was14 I had had about all I could  take and even though according to most standardsI had led a very sheltered life, I ran away and never looked back. My father was stationed at Ft Ord and I had ran away  twice already and when the MP's brought me home I got into horrible trouble but so did my stepfather.....youknow the military figures if you cant run your family, then how can they let you run their army?? So the last time I ran I knew I had to make it good and not get caught, it was so unfair to him to ruin his career because of things out of his control. I got my first job at 14 in 1964 on Cannery Row........not the Cannery Row you know though!! I could only wish........hahaha It was literally Steinbecks Cannery Row. I worked for Frito Lay in a dingy cannery, packing chip dip mixesin those little foil packages.......with my little fat fingers wrapped in so many bandaids to keep from bleeding on the packages........the foil cut mycuticles because my  fingers were too fat........hahah  OMG see how you remember all the crap in your life when you try??? Damn!  Luckily I never looked my age and no one ever questioned me. I was home free once I saved my checks and could get my own apt. I became a workaholic way back then.....so I missed all the hippie stuff that was going on and only knew it existed because of the newspapers articles.......no drugs, no sex, no problems really as long as I worked and kept busy! I used to think I missed a lot of fun things back then but in retrospect  I didnt.  Im deathly  afraid of drugs so that would not have been an option but if they had a bottle of good wine, hell bad wine, I would have joined in Im sure!!   Im too controlling to ever do drugs, I cant even drink to the point of not being able to control my every action! But I dont try to control others, not that I havent tried, I have. But Im way too passed all of that at this age. I do well to control me!  Three years later I met my kids father.......we knew each other for six daysand then got married because he was leaving for Viet Nam in a couple of months. He was in the Navy and stationed at the Language Institute in Monterey. Peopleask me how I could marry someone after six days and actually it was a no brainer at 17!!  He was raised without a father and with a single mom on welfare and was so bound and determined to be the perfect father and I have to give him that.....he damned near was!!  And with all my issues I just wanted my children to all belong to one father!  Whether I had one or ten.......they would never go through what I had!!  So we managed to make that marriage last 21 years and the kids pretty much grew up in a Leave it to Beaver household and rarely did without anything at all........spoiled?? OMG thats putting it so very mildly!  I think had we had better sense along the way we would have been much betterparents but wanting too much for our kids was something short of child abuse Im thinking.......we did not prepare them for the real world you know? But  then isn't hindsight always 20-20???  Yeah, Im thinking so too!! Well when that marriage ended I learned the true meaning of the word scared! I had not worked in years not at a real job where I had to survive again. But once I got my first job I became just like a drug addict.....chasing every job opening I ran into with a vengence. I was lucky, I was able to lie my way into a job and fortunately thanks to a catholic school education.....(even though just to the 9nth grade) I was able to learn fast enough to keep the job!  I became the queen of part time jobs because I soon found out that they paid better than full time jobs that I would be able to secure you know?  I had no less than four or five at any given time and for the next four years I went right back to my old workaholic ways. I was surprised how fast it all returned!! I stayed so busy that I didnt have time to throw "pityparties" or to be lonely. Then I met Russ.  My second marriage was like amiracle.....I had found out while I was single that most women didnt have the good life I had had in my first marriage and the nightmare stories made me ashamed to tell them mine. It made me sound like such the crybaby you know?? What a whiner I thought! So I started telling them when I was asked that he left me for someone else (which wasnt true but at least I didnt sound like a whiner anymore) and it seemed to appease everyone for the time being. I have to tell you Dan, God has only put wonderful people in my life as an adult and thatshow I know youre such a good person too....He made me strong when I was a child so I could survive anything just in case He was busy at the time and couldntwatch over me constantly.I guess being raised by a devout Catholic grandmother had its payoffs huh? Shetaught me to trust in God always and when I was first taken from her I trulythought God had just forgotten about me. As an adult I can see that he waspreparing me for what was to come in my life becasue He knows all He knew Iwould have to be strong! I have had two mother in laws in my life Dan. Both ofthem angels. The first one taught me everything I know about how to love. Ihad never been around a family that was so loving and so caring of each otherand it was very hard for me to get used to you know? She was so patient withme....she made me the mother I became by her examples and taught me a lot aboutwhat common sense is used for when raising kids. My kids were very blessed tohave had her in their life. Then my second mother in law.......well she taughtme patience with her son. haha He was the most wonderful person to everyone. People I worked with just loved him to death, in fact my first inlaws loved himto death!! Our first Christmas together was my ex inlaws, my kids, my newinlaws and everyone so loved each other!! It was great........but not havingdealt with alcohol in my first marriage made me unprepared for the alcoholproblems in my second marriage. But he did go through rehab and refrained from drinking for twelve years.....During those years he kept me at arms length. I didnt want to make demands on him since I knew how hard it was to go through what he had just been through so I backed off and told him that Iwould do anything I had to to make this easy for him. He had issues with closeness and sharing his thoughts........oh he talked all the time, but not about the things I was interested in!! It eventually ended up with me in the extra bedroom mostly just to save my own sanity or spend the rest of my lfie crying myself to sleep at night thinkin every night tonight he might hold me but that never came. So the last nine years of our marriage I spent alone and eventually I quit crying myself to sleep and I guess like anything you get used to things sooner or later and I did, not realizing that Iwas also falling out of love with him until one day it was all gone........but still I stayed because I felt I owed him that because he was the person he was....kind and big hearted and funny and would have given me the moon had he been able to. He just couldnt give me him but pretty soon it was like living with your brother and it became ok until the day I found out he had started drinking again. And he was never abusive or loud.......but a quiet alcoholic is just as bad in a lot of ways you know? I didnt know that he was in end stage liver disease and in pain but that was no excuse he should have told us something. I just felt betrayed and lost and like I had just spent the last nine years of my life alone for nothing! I was hurt and I was furious! And I filed for divorce the next day.....even though we remained friends till he died lastyear in Dec. he never shared what he was going through with anyone. His sister didnt even know till it was done. And so here I am again.......trying to put "Humpty Dumpty" back together again. I wanted out of that marriage but not to be alone in my life. And now Im scared again and trusting in my good judgement every step of the way trying to make a new life.........I want the closeness that I miss, I want to share my thoughts with someone I know cares about me.....I want to care about someones thoughts and wishes and dreams as well. I want to laugh and cry and smile everyday and feel again. And I dont want to be afraid to do any of these things and I dont want to do them alone. Does that make sense to you Dan? Hmm.......Im thinking by now, I have either scared the hell out of you for sure.....or Dr Herron is dusting off his degree!!! hehe.......anyways, I am so filled with anticipation as to what your thoughts are now..........Lola

Wow, Lola, what a survivor you are! Thank you for telling me all that, I feel you have shared your insides with me, and I just want to hug you to me. But don't look for the Dr. Herron, I never really used my degree. Common sense and a warm heart are most important. I'll tell you more when we see one another, but you should know that the last 14 years of my life have not been filled with the satisfaction of being held and valued, and I am hungry for that, and thirsty to give that to someone else as well. Our time is going to be so short together but lets see if we can fill it to the brim!

Hugs,

Dan

And that my friends, is how it all started!! We'll see how these go over and maybe I'll add a few more later........nowdays, emails are not that big a deal since everyone can text......but being electronically challenged..........seeing ......1 email , was a big deal to me!!! I got mail!!

Home from Hawaii and now on to the wedding plans!! A ton of emotions are floating inside of me..... meeting my father for the first time still has my head spinning but I know I have to concentrate on our wedding time is short!

We started with the guest lists.......OMG, what a nightmare! I sat at my computer compiling my list while Dan sat at the dining room table working on his.......once when I had first moved over here he told me when I mentioned that we needed more chairs around the table in the driveway, "why Lola? I only have five friends!!" My list shot from one to over a hundred immediately!! I went upstairs to check on him and oh my goodness.......his was nearing eighty very quickly!! I reminded him that he needed to cut on his list afterall he had told me that he only had five friends!!! lol But we ended up mailing out over one hundred and fifty invitations!! You know when people sit on a list you just don't equate them to "bodies"!!!

First on the agenda was our rings.......so back to the jewelry store we trotted!! I am so not comfortable in there!! Kinda sad though, the jeweler is retiring and next Saturday will be the last day that jewelry store in the Village will be open! It was not quite so traumatic this trip though and I easily picked out the ring I wanted. One chore down .......only about fifty to go!! The guest list had gotten a little out of hand so that meant upping the amount of tables and chairs we needed. DONE!........

While at the rental shop I asked about tablecloths.......OMG they charge $29.95 each!! Nope that was not gonna work!! So the ebay queen put on her crown and got busy!! I found on ebay brand new white tablecloths for $70 a case!! (12 to a case) That sounded more reasonable so I ordered them! Later I realized I needed seven more so I went to ebay again and noticed that they were coming from Santa Maria so I just emailed the woman! I was able to pick them up from her in Nipomo which is about half way to Santa Maria and she charged me $7.00 a piece! SCORE!

The back yard!! Oh goodness what the hell were we gonna do with that......my solution was to call in a landscaper......but Dans solution actually worked out great! He hired the plumbers son who is in college to come on the weekends to help him and together they did one hell of a job.......but with trees like ours the leaves make a continuing mess so when the Nicacio family arrived on Wednesday before the wedding on Saturday.....Joe and Manny kept on top of it the rest of the week!! Even one of our neighbors came by the day before and asked Dan if he needed anything........knowing he had a truck, Dan asked him if he could take twenty-eight bags of yard waste to the dump and while Dan was in the house getting money for the dump....Brandon loaded the bags and was gone!! Great neighbors we have here!! The Radkes next door let us run an extension cord over the fence to light up half of the trees in the back yard! Amazing, just amazing!

Hillary, Sonja, Elizabeth and I cooked for three days!! I did my cake top and two hundred cupcakes........each one adorned with an edible white pearl.....Dan built me the cake stand to hold it all......!! The girls made salads and meats and pilaff.......it was just all amazing!! On Thursday before the wedding we had to leave them all here and drive to San Francisco to pick up my father, his wife and two of my sisters that were coming from Hawaii for the wedding!  They arrived with these huge boxes and even though we had rented a van to pick them up in.....I was afraid it would not all fit!! But barely we made it!! My father brought hawaiian food which we had that night when we returned from SF......another box he brought had five hundred little vanda orchids to decorate the tables and fresh leis for the wedding party!

It all came together on Saturday and the guests started to arrive (luckily we live on a cul de sac that has a city park at the end of the block so the guests were able to park there!  It was a most amazing day!! My third marriage could have easily been my first! I was so in love with this man who just makes my every wish come true!! Our hawaiian wedding came off with very few hitches........lmao!!  It was beautiful and as Val sang the Hawaiian Wedding song, my father walked me out to Dan, under a tree with him,  our officiant Holly (one of my coworkers who had become ordained).....my baby angel provided us with glorious weather and all was good on the Central Coast!! We had a sand ceremony and Dan got his sand from Pismo and my father brought my sand from Hawaii with him! And there was champagne and all was wonderful!!

As I starred at Dan during the ceremony the words to the Hawaiian wedding song seemed so appropriate........."This is the moment........of sweet aloha........I will love you longer than forever....."